


Cashmere

by maple_tree



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Inspired by the Price of Salt, New York City, Period-Typical Homophobia, Road Trips, Slow Burn, Yearning, but I'm making damned sure they're getting together, carol au, we love and support oxymorons in this household
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24128761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maple_tree/pseuds/maple_tree
Summary: What stood out to Sooyoung was Jungeun's red hat in the sea of grey. They'd handed out Christmas hats to all the employees at this store. But what followed was nothing Sooyoung could have anticipated, and yet she knew that every moment she spent with Jungeun meant that it added up, a little more, a little more, and then a little more; until it blossomed, along with the flowers in her garden that Jungeun had once taken photos of on a grey December day.[A Lipves Carol AU]
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	1. Opening

**Author's Note:**

> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
> 
> Educate yourself, sign petitions, donate. Don’t stay complicit.
> 
> Black lives matter.

She was a queer, queer girl. 

Sooyoung met Jungeun the week before Christmas, New York city gleaming as if the lights were shimmering fresh snow that floated in the air and never fell. People knocked into her without apology as she walked - shopping bags bumped her legs, and, looking out over the crowing filling the sidewalk, she was glad to see the department store sign not far away.

The elevator up to the toy department was stuffed with parents and frazzled adults with lists in their hands and their wallets clasped close to their chests. Sooyoung sighed. She tilted her chin up as if the air would be any less stale there. 

When the door dinged open, she was swept out by the tide of people, leaving her breathless; she’d barely gained it back before it left her lungs again. 

Jungeun was holding a doll up to her chest for a customer when their eyes locked. Sooyoung’s skin prickled, and she turned away, quite suddenly. When she looked back, Jungeun was still watching her.

The customer waved a hand in front of Jungeun’s nose and the line of sight was broken. Busying herself with the endless shelves of toys, Sooyoung tapped her nails idly against her cheek - would Yerim like something active, physical; or would she like something beautiful?

Beautiful, thought Sooyoung, as she approached the girl at the counter. “I would like to look at that one, please,” Sooyoung indicated with two fingers at a display rack.

Jungeun’s eyes moved from her face to her fingers. “Of course.”

Sooyoung waited. “Jungeun. That’s a beautiful name.”

“Thank you, madam. People usually make fun of it.”

“They shouldn’t, to a girl so pretty.”

Jungeun’s eyes flickered to Sooyoung’s face but she just smiled as she took the doll out of its box. “This is a unique one. Quite flashy.”

“Gorgeous hair.” Sooyoung touched the purple ringlets lightly.

“It’s wonderful craftsmanship - all our dolls, of course, are made with the greatest care.”

Sooyoung looked into the face of the girl opposite her, the soft brown eyes, the crease of laugh lines between her brows. “I’ll take it.”

“It’ll be delivered before Christmas.” Jungeun clicked a ball-point pen. “I’ll need your address, if you don’t mind.”

Leaning over the counter, Sooyoung gave it, watching Jungeun etch the letters onto the paper. When Jungeun looked up, they were all too close than the loudness of the store warranted but they could get so much closer, thought Sooyoung, as she straightened up and gave Jungeun a smile.

“Thank you, Jungeun.” The name was rosewater on her lips.

“Thank you for the purchase.” Jungeun bowed. “Please sign here for confirmation.”

When Jungeun passed her the pen, Sooyoung wondered how someone could sound so businesslike when their hands were trembling. Sooyoung scrawled her name down carelessly, not sure why she lingered, not sure why she wanted Jungeun to touch her on the arm and say, with that practised smile of hers, that she’d need her to sign it again, the first one being too scruffy.

“Is that fine?” Sooyoung ran her hand through her hair.

“...yes.” Jungeun nodded. “That’s great.”

“And that’s all? Will it come with gift wrap?” 

“If you’d like that, it’ll be a small extra charge.” 

“Could you do that for me?” Sooyoung said. She tapped her leather gloves idly against the counter, wondering if Yerim would like it better wrapped in blue or gold.

“Sure.” Jungeun paused. “Would you pass me the pen, madam?”

“Right.” Sooyoung let her fingers linger, Jungeun pulling a little hard on the pen before she let go of it. The quirk of the girl’s eyebrow made a smile float to Sooyoung’s lips.

Jungeun wrote, slowly. The words made no sense, were irrelevant; Sooyoung instead focused on the clips holding back Jungeun’s hair from her face, followed the wave of her hair down to her back. Her uniform made ill work of her beauty, Sooyoung thought. She had a spare dress in her closet that would fit Jungeun perfectly.

“It’ll be wrapped in gold.” Jungeun said, and Sooyoung decided instantly that Yerim would like gold. “And you’ll have to sign again, when it gets delivered.”

“That’s wonderful.”

Jungeun smiled a little too softly for someone being constantly jostled and called on by other staff and customers alike, but Sooyoung thought it suited her. “Thank you, and have a good day.”

How unlike she was to anybody Sooyoung had met - Sooyoung dwelled on it as she walked to her motorcar a few blocks away. It was only when she touched the frozen door handle that she registered the fact that she’d left her gloves on the glass counter.

“Hell,” she cursed under her breath.

Her first instinct was to go back and fetch them; but that would never do, because she’d be late for lunch with Jinsoul. And yet a strange sense of disappointment washed over her as she got into her car. She was getting further and further away from that department store, from the fourth floor where that girl had stood and looked right at her, not quite into her eyes but her gaze never wavering. 

There was something beyond alluring in Jungeun’s eyes, something akin to the beauty of a sunset, and Sooyoung felt that the girl was a double-edged sword and she wasn’t sure which side she had run her finger along. 

Driving through the Lincoln Tunnel, the darkness conjured to Sooyoung’s mind an image; of two people standing side by side atop the Empire State Building, all aglow in the gold of the city’s lights, of soft skin and subdued voices, a vague sense of inebriation; she wanted to press a kiss against the girl’s forehead and clasp her arms around her.

No, it was improper to think that way. A quiet, untroubled girl like her should never be put in that sort of situation. She was young but she was sure to have someone at home, courting her, someone whom she could take the arm of, as they walked down 7th avenue together.

And yet when they had been so close, separated only by a brittle box of glass, Jungeun hadn’t been the first one to move away.

She arrived at her house just after midday, lamenting the loss of her gloves but also something that she didn’t want to pinpoint; at the door waited Jinsoul, her bleached hair made wild by the wind. Her face broke into a smile.

Sooyoung reached over to unlock the door. “You’re early.”

“And you’re on time. What a rarity it is for the both of us.”

“I have never once, in my life,” Sooyoung considered shutting Jinsoul out briefly. “Been late for one of my appointments with you.”

“That’s because you’re fond of me.”

“I can’t deny that.” 

Sooyoung shrugged off her coat, giving it to Jinsoul who hung it up along with her own. Jinsoul smiled. Indulging Sooyoung was something that came naturally, ever since they’d met at the age of ten. It was hard for anyone not to go along with Sooyoung’s sophisticated words, her polished smile, and the surprising crease at the corners of her eyes when she laughed.

“What do you have there?” Sooyoung nodded to the package lying by Jinsoul’s foot.

“Your favourite pastries, from that place in Manhattan, the Parisian one.”

“Feeling sentimental, are we?”

“Always with you.” 

“Really, what is it with you today?” Sooyoung pushed a few books aside on her sitting-room table. Jinsoul swept back the heavy brown curtains, and grey light flooded into the mahogany-paneled room. 

“It’s dusty in here.” Jinsoul ran a finger along one of the bookshelves. “How long has it been since you’ve invited someone over?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” 

“You haven’t been that busy.”

“I haven’t met anyone, either.”

“Who are you hoping to meet?” Jinsoul slid into an armchair, sprawling her limbs out. “Am I not enough for you?”

“You are more than enough; that’s why I don’t let you come over every day.”

“Sweet of you.”

“These pastries taste good.” Sooyoung smiled at Jinsoul. “Thank you.”

“Anything for this nonsensical friend of mine. How’s the legal matter going?”

“He’s still fighting for custody. Nevermind that he was the one who made my sister so unhappy - he still wants Yerim. And the court is still considering him.”

“There’s no good reason.” Jinsoul shakes her head.

“She was  _ my  _ sister. Yerim is  _ my  _ niece. I can’t bear to let my sister’s child go to that son of a-”

Sooyoung shook herself, breath coming in short bursts. Jinsoul raised a hand but did not touch her, kept it there for whenever Sooyoung needed it.

“I expect it won’t be settled until spring next year.”

“Will Yerim be able to come over for Christmas?”

“Of course.” Sooyoung sighed. “It’s the one thing he won’t be able to convince the court to do - to deprive her of staying here, as she always has.”

“Do you miss her?” Jinsoul’s voice was soft.

“God, yes. I’ve been up and down the stores all week, looking for something, anything, and I couldn’t decide until today, just this morning.”

Jinsoul considered Sooyoung. Her sharp words masked something deeper, a certain twist of the eyebrow, and Jinsoul didn’t ask whether Sooyoung missed her sister, even though every New Years Sooyoung was bound to sit by the fire, smoking only for that day, for her sister had loved tobacco. 

It had been a few years. Grief never goes away. But taking its place in Sooyoung was a burning vengeance, bitterness towards the man who had made Sooyoung’s sister spend her last years living in abject misery. Far worse than this though was the way the fire fizzled out whenever Jinsoul cast a glance at Sooyoung when she thought Jinsoul wasn’t looking.

Sooyoung’s skin looked pale and there were dark patches under her eyes. A poor sight to behold - Sooyoung looked like she was a young woman again, when she studied at Oxford and had spent her days poring over books alone and going for frosty early morning walks with only coffee for energy. She’d stand atop Magdalen bridge and look like she was thinking of falling. It broke Jinsoul’s heart, so much so that she had lived in Abingdon for a year or so, just to make sure that Sooyoung didn’t turn to ice. 

Sooyoung had flakes of pastry beside her lips, beautiful as ever but with little blood in them. With a gentle hand Jinsoul brushed them off, her fingers careful never to touch Sooyoung’s lips.

“Thank you, darling.”

“Anything for you, honey. What did you end up buying for Yerim?”

Sooyoung paused. “A doll. Strange, really.”

“Why? Children love miniature things.”

“No, I knew Yerim would like it as soon as I saw the doll. But what was strange was…” Sooyoung pushed her hair back from her face, and tasted something other than sugar on her tongue. She knew whose name it was that she wanted to say, wanted to have it written a thousand times in a letter she didn’t know where to send.

“Something caught your eye?” Jinsoul leaned forward, but Sooyoung didn’t meet her unwavering gaze.

“...no.” Sooyoung said. “It was nothing. There were too many people, at any rate.”

“It’s bound to be that way the week before Christmas.” 

“Well, I found what I was looking for,” Sooyoung said.  _ And more _ , she added silently, but Jinsoul likely knew that already.

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking, debating over the best Christmas dessert, over white and black chocolate and which bakery made the best éclairs in New York, and whether Yerim would like it if Jinsoul bought her a fish. Sooyoung indulged in her voice, and in one too many of those miniature madeleines.

Conversation came to them as naturally as the sunset, when Jinsoul suddenly remembered the time and bid Sooyoung a hasty farewell with a kiss on the cheek. 

Sooyoung kept her hand raised in goodbye for a long, long time. Then, turning and sinking into the still-warm armchair, she pulled at the fabric. Her mind was restless; her throat parched from the pastries that Jinsoul knew she would never be able to resist. 

All this business and writing and laws and lawyers - it was wretched, the week before Christmas. She wanted to get away from it all and drive across the country to see prairies, to see the Rockies, and flowers in full bloom. To see the sunset making the hills softer. Golden, and warm, like glowing coals right next to her ribcage. She didn’t even know the girl’s last name. 

That night, Sooyoung heard in her dreams wheels on asphalt overlaid with jazz that she hadn’t remembered for a long time.

“Post for you, Miss Ha.” Her housekeeper called. 

“Alright, I’m coming down.” It was late morning - yesterday - at this time, she’d been walking aimlessly through a department store. 

She had a headache. If it were any other day she’d have barely glanced at the letters she’d received before downing at least three cups of coffee, but she didn’t need to take a closer look to recognise the handwriting on the topmost letter. 

There was no name and yet the words  _ Dear customer. You left your gloves at the store _ made Sooyoung’s heart somersault.

The note ended with a wish for a merry Christmas. Sooyoung held it close to her chest and took a slow, measured breath, the gloves unwrapped from their package lying forgotten on the windowsill. To think that a few sentences could render Sooyoung speechless in her early-morning stupor. All of her thoughts were now centred on the events of yesterday - those damn eyes, golden-brown, liquid amber, so warm that Sooyoung could bathe in it like standing under July sun. 

Her hand reached for the phonebook at the same time that she flipped the card over and found, in neat black ink, a return address. It wasn’t easy finding her, but there she was - Kim Jungeun next to a name she didn’t recognise, the address, and the phone number. 

The phone rang for an age before she was put through; a bright, animated voice answered her.

“This is Kim Jiwoo speaking.”

“Hello, Miss Kim.” Sooyoung swallowed “I’m looking for a certain Kim Jungeun?”

“Ah, I’ll fetch her!” and even though Kim Jiwoo took the receiver away from her mouth, Sooyoung could still hear the yell of “Jungie!”

A moment of silence, and then - “Hello?”

“... Jungeun?”

“Oh.” The voice became breathless. “It’s you.”

“Yes, it’s me,” Sooyoung said quietly. “Thank you so much for posting the gloves to me.”

Jungeun cleared her throat. “How did you know where to call me?”

“I could ask the same of you, you know,” Sooyoung smiled. “I rarely give out my address to strangers I’d only spoken a few sentences to.”

“I couldn’t help but remember it. There was no way I could forget.”

“Surely your day wasn’t that dull, darling.” 

“... did you go anywhere else after the department store? What was  _ your  _ day like afterwards?”

“Oh, no. I wandered back to my car; it was so cold, after all.” Sooyoung hummed. “I had lunch with a dear friend, but she only brought sweets and pastries, could you believe that? And today I woke up awfully late - which is why I discovered your letter only now.”

“It’s hardly a letter, only a note.”

“I loved it. It’s been a long time since someone’s written to me something so simple like that with me in their thoughts. At least you weren’t a lawyer.”

Jungeun’s laugh was delicious in the way it travelled through the receiver and down her arm, reverberating in her own chest. “Lawyers are terrible. I would never even want to be friends with one!”

“Oh honey, believe me, I know.”

“You sound like you’ve been busy.” Jungeun’s voice was small again. “I hope I haven’t taken much out of your time.”

“Not at all. In fact… are you free this Sunday? I’d like to take you out for lunch. There’s a restaurant I’ve been dying to visit, but I’ve nobody to go with.”

“What about your friend?”

“I’m asking you, Jungeun.” Sooyoung clicked her tongue. “You’ve got every right to refuse, of course, but I want to say thank you for the gloves.”

“That’s… too kind of you, madam.”

“My name is Sooyoung, for future reference. Ha Sooyoung.”

“Well, Sooyoung -” Jungeun paused, halting Sooyoung’s heart in the process. “I’d love to come out with you.”

“Perfect. How about one o’clock? I’ll pick you up from the store.”

“I’ll be waiting. See you then, Sooyoung.”

And Sooyoung was left with the beeping of the phone; something that felt worse than silence. She would stay by that phone all day if at its other end was Jungeun. 

Sunday arrived like a winter’s sunrise; far too slowly and always too late for Sooyoung’s liking. Her hair whipped round her face - she was glad she’d cut it in November, otherwise she’d never be able to meet anyone in a state fit to see. Nevertheless, she still spent minutes in the car before she would get out, looking into the little car mirror and flinging lipsticks and blushers everywhere as she rummaged through her handbag.

And that was how Jungeun found her: touching up her eyebrows with her tongue between her teeth. 

“Hi.”

“Oh - hello.” Sooyoung clicked the makeup case closed. “Take a seat.”

“Alright.” Jungeun slid into the seat beside hers, one stocking lower than the other; her hair was wonderfully messy from the gale taking hasty corners round the buildings in New York, racing down the narrow avenues. Sooyoung reached over and smoothed it with her hand, tangling her fingers in those soft strands. Suddenly she was glad for the wind. 

“Aren’t you cold, my dear?” Sooyoung asked as the engine started. “Do you want the hood up?”

“It’s alright,” Jungeun repeated. “It’d be good for me to feel fresh air.”

“If you say so, darling. It must be awfully rotten working in that store - and on the last Sunday before Christmas! Couldn’t they give you the days off?”

“Well, I’d have nothing to do anyways.” Jungeun put her chin in her hand. “Jiwoo’s going away for Christmas, and I’m not planning anything grand this year. Besides, the pay is better at this time.”

“Jiwoo? Is she the girl who took my call at first?”

“We’ve been friends since the Convent. And ever since we got out, she keeps me sane.”

“I’d like to meet her in person someday, then.”

“I’d like that too.” Jungeun’s lips curved up and Sooyoung wondered if it was dangerous to be driving so distracted. “But she’s packing tomorrow.”

“You could come over if you’re alone.” Sooyoung kept her eyes on the road, and added, “I’ve got a dress that would fit you perfectly. At least come and try it on.”

“You seem to be free an awful lot.”

“Just for you, darling.”

Jungeun’s cheeks flushed against the cold winter air. “Do you have a child?”

“No,” Sooyoung sighed. They had stopped at a light, and were inching forwards. “I bought the doll for my niece - Yerim. She’s not yet at that age when she’ll have to pick up a pen and paper and have to stay indoors all day even in summer -”

“Do you wish you had a child?”

Sooyoung turned in surprise towards Jungeun. She’d expected her to ask after Yerim, to ask about the reason why she was staying over for only Christmas, and then Sooyoung would have to repeat all the details of the dreadful court affair - but her stare was cut short by the irate horn of the car behind them, and Sooyoung led her eyes stray back towards the road.

“... sometimes.” Her hand tightened on the steering wheel. “There are days like that, when I’ll miss Yerim, and wonder if it’s in fact something fundamental, a part of me that I’m missing. But, my days are busy enough. I’m not unoccupied. And Yerim is always there.”

“I’ve always thought children were lovely, but just that. Like ornaments - I couldn’t bear to raise a child the wrong way.”

“That’s what happens, inevitably. You just have to hope that they’ll be happy despite that.”

“My parents never gave me anything more than a harsh word,” Jungeun let her hand hang outside the window. “But I still hated it when they sent me away, for my own good, they said, as if they owned me.”

“Oh, honey,” And Sooyoung was in real danger of taking both her hands off the wheel and hugging the girl, right there, speeding across the asphalt. “You were young. You’re still young - you don’t look older than twenty-one.”

“You guessed perfectly.” Jungeun’s voice was soft. “My birthday is in February.”

“So soon - I’d better start thinking of presents straight after New Years.”

You don’t need to. I don’t do parties: Jiwoo and I go out for drinks with a few friends, and we call it a day.”

“Won’t you invite me too, then?”

Jungeun laid a hand on her cheek. “I’ll consider it after today.”

And it was like this that the conversation continued, idle remarks and pointed looks, unsure of what exactly was happening but feeling like there was safety to be had in the other’s voice. Until they arrived at the restaurant they talked of mundane things - Jungeun’s chafing customers, Jiwoo’s voice, Christmas decorations and the charm of New York in snow. It was delightful.

“Here we are.” Sooyoung stopped the car. Her breath became wisps in the cold December air, and she wondered if she should give her coat to Jungeun.

“Let’s go in quickly - I can’t feel my fingers.” Jungeun said, fumbling with the door handle.

“I knew it was too cold for you.” Sooyoung sighed. “Take my hand.”

“Alright.”

They sat there for a moment inside the car, hands clasped. People hurried by, too busy and merry to stare, and if they did so then Sooyoung wouldn't be looking at anything other than Jungeun. The girl’s hands were icy; Sooyoung moved to cover both her hands in her own, rubbing small circles over soft skin. She traced the lines in Jungeun’s palm, envisioned rings on her fingers. 

“Are you feeling better now?” Sooyoung met Jungeun’s eyes.

“More than ever.” But she didn’t let go of Sooyoung’s hands.

“Shall we head in then?” 

It didn’t take long until they were seated; a small, quaint booth with plush velvet seats and candles that flickered in their reflection in Jungeun’s eyes. She had no idea what the girl liked. 

“I’d like a drink, please,” Sooyoung said to a passing waiter, and smiled when Jungeun ordered the same as her.

Jungeun buried her head in the menu while Sooyoung stared at her. Her eyes would always look up into Sooyoung’s, then flutter away, her eyelashes like insect’s wings. It made Sooyoung’s head light, and a flush come into her cheeks without alcohol.

“Darling, look at me.” Sooyoung said. “How strange you are.”

“Why?”

“Flung out of space.”


	2. "One Mint Julep"

The next time they met, it was Christmas Eve, the Tuesday after they parted outside the store on account of Jungeun’s afternoon shift, and Sooyoung had dropped her an invitation to her house out of the city. She hadn’t been sure if Jungeun was free. But she knew from the girl’s look that she wouldn’t turn it down.

Sooyoung stood outside of the apartment block and waited. It was quiet in the streets - she’d made sure to miss the traffic that inevitably accompanied Christmas, the festivities of the city that got her heart pounding but today were simply a nuisance. 

Jungeun tumbled down the narrow stairs out into the road, looking like a bird blown out of its nest. She straightened up when Sooyoung offered Jungeun her arm. “Too early for you?”

“I was so nervous, I could barely sleep last night.”

“You needn’t be so afraid. I live alone.”

“I thought you would have Yerim for Christmas?”

“Yes.” Sooyoung sighed. “I want you to meet her today.”

“I’ll be glad to.” Jungeun pulled slightly on Sooyoung’s arm. To be taller was suddenly a wonderful thing - Sooyoung would draw eyes from all across the room at those parties full of cheap champagne and cigarette smoke, and would never be approached for dances no matter how outnumbered the women were. The latter, she never particularly minded.

It was yet another blustery day and Sooyoung smoothed down Jungeun’s dishevelled hair. It was the colour of fall, the colour of the mist that so often enveloped New York in the dusk. Perhaps it was because of the English rain, but her own hair had never felt like that, like satin.

Jungeun touched her cheek to Sooyoung’s coat-sleeve lightly. “How far are we?”

“It’s a few blocks. Then twenty miles or so in the car - please, do tell me if it’ll be too cold for you, if I keep the hood down.”

Sooyoung felt the girl nod against her shoulder and was in the blink of an eye overwhelmed; a torrent of heat washed over her, the utterly alien thought that this was right and perfect and delightful lodging itself into her chest like a sapling taking root… so sure she was that this was how the rest of her life was meant to play out. Who was she without Jungeun’s arm secured around her own? Like a ship untied from the harbour. 

Jungeun was quiet on the way out of New York, one hand rested drowsily on the window ledge and the other not quite touching the gear shift. As they passed endless fields, Sooyoung became more restless the more relaxed Jungeun seemed to be.

“How are you affording to live in that apartment?”

“I do photographs.” Jungeun sighed. “But mainly I make little sets for almost-Broadway plays.”

“I suppose that’s why you didn’t look happy in that shop.”

“I expect that nobody would. I’m not sure what I look like when I’m working on my sets, either, and Jiwoo tells me that I frown too much.”

“I haven’t noticed.” Sooyoung glanced at Jungeun. “While you’re young, only laugh lines will show.”

“You’re not that much older than me.”

“And yet you called me madam just a mere week ago.”

“I didn’t know you like I do now.” Her hand nearest to Sooyoung clenched. “But it feels like I still don’t know you at all.”

“How do you want to know me?”

“Like sunflowers know the sun. Like how I want to know what the clouds look like from above, during a thunderstorm. Do you know what I mean? Like how I -”

“Darling, you should start talking to a publisher.” Sooyoung was smiling.

“I’d rather not.” Jungeun let out a sharp breath. “Although I may be with a small branch of the Times after this break.”

“That’s fantastic. Will I see your photographs soon, then?”

“I suppose, if the director approves of my work.”

“I can call someone up this afternoon if that would help. I know an awful lot of people in the dreary, wordy business - never welcome but always useful.”

Jungeun tilted her head. “No. No, that’s quite alright.”

“I tell you what - you’ve never been outside of America, have you?”

“What’s that got to do with -”

“I shall want to take you to Oxford, someday.” Sooyoung said. “It’s simply gorgeous. Stunning in the summer, and even in spring, the mallards come out and the rowers start conditioning for the Boat Race - it’s worth countless portfolios.”

“Europe sounds lovely.”

“Oh, honey, it’s not just Europe.” Sooyoung looked to see the girl’s eyes on hers. “Have you ever seen the Malverns? The photographs you could take of the greenery, the way the shadows slide across the earth - Radclyffe Hall called it a gold glory.”

“All these names are so British.” 

“They’re charming.”

Jungeun put her forehead against the window. “I’d be glad to come with you.”

“After the…” Sooyoung swallowed the word  _ trial _ . “Soon, very soon, we can go.”

“Have you lived in England, then?”

“I’ve been at Oxford. All they talk about is the men there -  _ didn’t you hear, he’s an Oxford man  _ \- but I wish they’d pay more attention to the women. There were far fewer of us, after all, and yet there was no mingling to be had between the colleges of men and women.”

“I can imagine how it felt.” Jungeun twisted a strand of hair in her fingers. “The Convent was all girls, too, and sometimes… it seemed like I could really forget about the rest.”

“The men, you mean?”

“Something not quite like that.”

“The affinity between women,” Sooyoung exhaled, “can be at times overwhelming.”

“You’re exactly right.” Jungeun replied, and their eyes met. 

Sooyoung glanced in the wing mirror. The steadiness in Jungeun’s gaze, the sudden silence that had made Sooyoung aware of just how strongly her pulse thumped, it was unbearable. “What were we talking about before?”

“You were telling me all about living in Oxford.”

“Right. Well, I suppose you do care to listen? I don’t want to bore you.”

“That would be impossible.”

A chuckle escaped Sooyoung’s lips. “Flattering of you to say. I do remember now that being at Oxford, it felt like more than living. The bricks, older than the country we stand in, were the colour of straw. And when sunsets came in summer it felt like the fields were melting - not burning, no. Fire was something rather foreign to that place.”

Jungeun’s hair was just that right shade of sunlight, even in midwinter.

“... you’ll love it.” Sooyoung finished, abruptly, watching a smile rise to Jungeun’s lips.

“Of course I will.”

They passed a few more miles in cyclic conversation. All too readily Jungeun talked about herself and with her every soft-edged word Sooyoung felt that they had known each other forever, and that sentimental impulsivity rose in her chest again. It would be so easy to stop by the roadside, a few minutes out of sight of the world would be enough.

What there was not enough of was the gas in the tank. They pulled up to a gas station, Jungeun resting her chin on the window ledge facing the road while Sooyoung refilled the car. 

“Look there,” Jungeun said. “Have you a Christmas tree yet?” 

“There’s space in the trunk for it.” 

That was how they came to be standing in the midst of a grove of fallen spruce trees, the soil underfoot made coarser by the pines the trees had shed. This time Sooyoung didn’t hesitate before wrapping her own scarf around Jungeun. The girl didn’t seem to notice it, and went on ahead of Sooyoung, pointing at individual trees and guessing at how old they were. 

“Does it matter? What’s a few years difference?” Sooyoung considered putting her arm around Jungeun’s shoulders.

“It shouldn’t really, but sometimes it matters more than you know. At least,” Jungeun paused. “That’s what Sister Kahei said at the Convent.”

“Uncommon name.”

“A lot of things were strange back then.”

“What was Sister Kahei talking about?”

“One of the older girls - her parents had wanted her to marry an older man. A businessman. Well-versed in life, they said. You’d be able to have a good life in his house, and once children came, you would forget all about how young you were.”

“Those are some strong presumptions.”

“Well, every girl hears things like that sooner or later.”

Sooyoung drew up next to Jungeun with their shoulders touching. “I think that’s rather cruel. I feel it unnecessary for someone to be told what they needed to feel."

“What can one do about it? I’m sure even you, with your fine coat and car and such freedom get told such things.”

“Even more so because of those things, darling.” Sooyoung sighed. “We can only keep moving, and make sure none of our friends fall behind and fall prey to that kind of thinking.”

“I suppose. But this girl - she had no choice. I never forgot how she cried when she went.”

“One day, that sort of thing will be unheard of.”

Jungeun bent down to look closer at the branches. “Yes, I think so. I hope so.”

“Do you like this one, then? It should fit, just about.”

“If you think it’s alright.”

Sooyoung looked round for someone whom she could talk to. “Pardon me - could we buy this tree? No need for delivery, our car is just by the road. Yes, thank you. My wallet’s in the car.”

They made their way back to the roadside, the mud underneath their feet gradually giving way to gravel. Behind them lagged the tree supported by a few people in red and green flannel shirts.

Jungeun reached below her seat as soon as they’d arrived. “Wait,” she said, breathlessly.

“What?” Sooyoung glanced over her shoulder. When she turned back around, Jungeun was holding a camera, one eye closed in a frown as she looked through the viewfinder, the leather strap hanging loose and unused in her hurry.

“It’s the perfect day today.” Jungeun said.

Sooyoung couldn’t help smiling. She didn’t know where to look, and looking right into the lens felt like it was contrived, but looking away meant that she was exposed to Jungeun’s gaze and its candid intensity. The cold was nothing compared to this.

“Hardly. It’s rather grey.”

“I wasn’t talking about that.” Jungeun kept the camera still.

“Then what were you…” 

“Just one more second.”

Sooyoung held herself immobile and rested her eyes on the chalky sky. She counted ten heartbeats before approaching Jungeun, whose mouth fell open as she neared.

“You really should wear this.” Sooyoung slung the leather strap over Jungeun’s head.

They were now inches apart and through the layers of clothing, of a thick, winter coat, Sooyoung could feel the warmth Jungeun radiated. It seemed as if she didn’t feel the cold, at all. Brushing past Jungeun’s neck as she slipped her hand under Jungeun’s undone hair felt like striking a match against her fingertips.

“...you needn’t do that.” Jungeun looked up into Sooyoung’s eyes. “This is my only camera - I couldn’t bear to drop it, or lose it.”

Sooyoung let her hand rest against Jungeun’s skin. “All the same.  _ I  _ wouldn’t be able to bear it if you dropped it, either.”

“Are you that eager to see the pictures?”

“I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t curious, no,” Sooyoung smiled. “I want to see how you see me.”

“Mostly from below, then.” Jungeun laughed, giddily. “You’re too tall!”

“Have you considered that you’re too short, Jungeun?”

“I’d rather not, thank you.”

Sooyoung chuckled. “I do hope those photos are at a flattering angle, then.”

“I don’t think anything could spoil those pictures.”

“Why, thank you.”

Jungeun fiddled with the buttons on the still-warm camera. “When are you going to stop warming your hands on me?”

“Oh -” Sooyoung withdrew her hand. “I hoped you wouldn’t notice.”

“It didn’t seem like an accident.” Jungeun peered over Sooyoung’s shoulder. “How long were they waiting?”

“Hell.” Cursing, Sooyoung turned to apologise to the people who had set down the tree and had evidently been idly listening in to their conversation. They accepted the payment without complaint - only gave the two of them a funny look, and a frown when Sooyoung had swore.

“Shall we be going, then?”

After Jungeun had packed her camera back into its case, they pulled back onto the road.

“We’re a little early for lunch, aren’t we?” 

Sooyoung tapped her nails on the steering wheel. “Is there something in particular you’d like to do?”

“Not much. I’d like to see your garden and take some photographs, if you have any flowers.”

“Oh, we do.” Sooyoung told Jungeun about how her gardener had insisted on leaving some fresh flowers for her every week, since the bulbs wouldn’t come up until spring. “They should be arriving today.”

“What kind of flowers are they?”

“Oh, I never really know. Just beautiful, I suppose.”

The car swung right and began crawling up a hill, with Jungeun half-rising in her seat to peer at the scenery, and Sooyoung kept the car slow.

“Why don’t you take some photos?”

“Maybe later.”

It was a few minutes before they reached the top of the hill, capped by thick Sycamore trees and the faded white of Sooyoung’s house. Neither grand nor traditional, it had been perfectly unfamiliar to Sooyoung, returning from the intimacy of the English countryside. But Sooyoung had never loved it as much as when Jungeun called it gorgeous.

Sooyoung smiled. “What do you like so much about it?”

“It looks dignified. Worthy of being all separate from the world like that.”

“Well, I don’t like being disturbed, and I don’t expect you do either.”

“Particularly not today.”

By the time they closed the car's doors Sooyoung had realised they weren’t alone; at first, she thought it to be her housekeeper, but the figure was too tall, and it was watching them, all too still. She squinted, and her stomach flipped as Jinsoul stepped out of the awning over her front door.

“You gave me such a fright!” Sooyoung said before Jinsoul could get a word in.

“Who’s this?” Jinsoul looked past Sooyoung.

“I’m Jungeun. Kim Jungeun.” Jungeun bowed her head slightly. “Just here for lunch.”

“Not for business?”

“We’re friends, Jinsoul.” Sooyoung motioned for the two of them to come in. “It’s awfully cold. Jungeun, you can hang your coat up here. Jinsoul - why aren’t you wearing yours?”

Jinsoul shut the door and the cold wind out. “Oh, that - I forgot it here. I supposed you’d notice and come over, but… I see you’ve been preoccupied.”

“Wouldn’t you have been up in Montreal these last few days?”

“Not this year. I wanted to see Yerim, actually.”

“Well, she’ll be here later.”

“For Christmas, I mean.”

Jungeun smoothed down her dress and looked between the two of them. At the same time, they both seemed to notice her again, like two neighbours who were getting used to the new fence between their houses. Jinsoul breathed out, hard, and smiled. “I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself. Jung Jinsoul, friend of Sooyoung’s. How long have we known each other?”

“Too long to remember.” Sooyoung cast a glance at Jungeun. “Why don’t you make yourself comfortable in the sitting-room?”

“Alright.” 

Jinsoul followed the girl’s figure until she was out of sight. “When did you first get to know her?”

“I think you know that already.”

“I wouldn’t presume so.”

“She returned my gloves, and I wanted to thank her. That’s all.”

“Grateful enough to invite her to your home?”

“We’re quite friendly now.” Sooyoung looked into Jinsoul’s unwavering gaze.

“Friends, just like you and I.”

At times like this Sooyoung felt that Jinsoul always meant something different to what she really felt. “I’m sure we could be.”

“That’s nice.” Jinsoul’s mouth turned up at its corners. “All the same, not everyone who captures your attention should be given that time of the day. I know you, Sooyoung.”

“I know you do.”

“You can’t afford to waste your energy on the wrong sort of thing, especially not now.”

“Please let’s not talk of that wretched trial.”

“That’s not the only reason.” Jinsoul pulled on the thick coat she had unhooked from the rack. “But alright, I don’t want to see you upset, either.”

“... drive safe, it’s blustery today.”

“Enjoy your lunch.” The door opened, then shut. 

What had Jinsoul been saying? She had been in one of her queer, blue moods. No, it was mauve. Jinsoul never spoke so quickly as when she thought Sooyoung was unsettled, uncertain, and able to be led away from her. 

Yes, she loved Jinsoul as much as any friend could - no less than the utmost, but no more. She hadn’t refused Jinsoul’s drunken touch that night, months ago; but she had no urge to kiss her, and had felt no warmth that she wanted more of. It simply was the loneliness that propelled the two women into each other’s proximity. 

She hoped Jinsoul had thought that way too. 

Jungeun called from the sitting room. “I think the florist was here. He left something at the front door.”

“Oh, of course.” Sooyoung shook herself. When she opened the door to pick up the bundle, Jungeun was gazing at her from the window, her hands clasped together. Sooyoung waved the flowers with a smile, and Jungeun laughed.

“Close your eyes. Can you tell what they are?” Sooyoung held them under Jungeun’s nose. They were now sitting in front of the coal fire, a heavy sort of cosiness settling into Sooyoung’s bones.

Jungeun leaned forwards. Sooyoung could see the girl’s shoulders rise as she took a deep breath. Her face was only inches from Sooyoung’s and she wondered if Jungeun knew, if Jungeun was thinking back to that department store counter a week ago. 

Sooyoung reached out a hand and pushed Jungeun’s hair back behind her ear, though it looked perfect unfettered, and perhaps Sooyoung simply needed to justify touching Jungeun in a way tolerable to her own heart. There were so many places Sooyoung wanted to run her fingers over that it unnerved her. And what was worse was the way that Jungeun’s skin bloomed into roses at the slightest touch.

“It all mingles.” Jungeun said, and Sooyoung felt her breath on her wrist. “It’s rather unbearable.”

“Really?” And Sooyoung leaned down at the same time Jungeun opened her eyes.

This time neither of them lingered but it took every rational thought in Sooyoung’s mind clamouring to push herself away.

“Do you recognise any of them now?” 

“Yes.” Jungeun coughed. “I - I should fetch my camera.”

“Right.” Sooyoung rose from her chair and led Jungeun into the hallway. Watching her dress tearing round her ankles and the thin hand that held it down against the wind reminded Sooyoung of what she still had in the closet upstairs. 

“Jungeun,” she began, “do you remember what I told you in the car?”

“That I should really become a poet?”

“No, before then. When we went to that restaurant.”

“You wanted me to come over for something. I gathered it was to see Yerim.” Jungeun’s eyebrow quirked up.

“Of course, that too - oh, if you don’t remember, I’ll show you.” 

It was dangerous how easily Jungeun put her hand in Sooyoung’s, but even more troubling was how tightly Sooyoung wanted to hold on. She led the girl upstairs and into her guest room.

“Is this your bedroom?” 

“No, I don’t use it.” 

“Does anyone else?” Jungeun sat at the bay window and spread her hands along the velvet cushions, patterns appearing into the smooth covers. 

“Not really. I don’t entertain visitors.” Sooyoung paused. “Though Jinsoul likes this room better than the others.”

Jungeun’s hands began drawing circles into the velvet. “I see.”

“At any rate - I wanted you to try on this dress.” Displayed on a rack that was older than Yerim, the dress Sooyoung pulled out of the closet was a shimmering black that reached only Sooyoung’s knees, but would fit Jungeun flawlessly.

“Oh!” Jungeun stood up. “It’s exquisite!”

“That’s right. Here you are, then.” Sooyoung pushed the dress into Jungeun’s hands.

“I wouldn’t be able to damage it easily, would I?”

“Don’t worry about that. Just put it on, I want to see it on you.”

“Okay…” Jungeun fussed with the straps.

“Ah - yes - right.” Sooyoung turned around. “Should I perhaps get your camera?”

“Sure.”

Sooyoung made her way downstairs, her head swirling with half-formed mirages. If she gave that dress to Jungeun to keep - would she be able to see her wear it, in the height of summer? She pictured Jungeun’s wavering reflection in Coniston Water, in Windermere lake: for there was nothing more irresistible than thinking back to summer in December.

Her hand closed round the strap of the camera, and she waited until she was back inside to take it out. She remembered seeing one like it in the window of a pawn shop, last month. February wasn’t a long time to wait, and yet if it weren’t for the Christmas holiday Sooyoung knew she would’ve been at the department store the very next morning, inquiring after the newest model and having it sent without a return address. 

Her footsteps were light on the stairs. “Here. How are you getting on?”

“You sound like a shop assistant.”

“Well, so be it. Dear customer,” Sooyoung smiled. “Are you finding everything in order?”

“It feels rather strange to hear that spoken to you, for once.”

“I’m at your service.” Sooyoung bowed, and when she rose there was an imperceptible flush on Jungeun’s cheeks.

“Then… could you help me with the back? I just can’t seem to button it properly.”

“Of course.” 

Jungeun turned and swept her hair aside. Sooyoung, after placing the camera carefully on a dressing table, moved her hands to Jungeun’s waist, tracing the line of her spine upwards until all but one button was done up, and only then did she notice Jungeun’s perfume, almost intoxicated with how it seemed to permeate through her body.

“What scent is that?” Sooyoung brushed her fingertips on the little hairs on Jungeun’s neck and she made a noise not quite like surprise. 

“I don’t really know. Maybe lilies? I’ve not used it in a long time.”

“And I’m the first one worthy for it?”

“I suppose you could say that.” Jungeun said quietly. “And besides, Jiwoo has allergies.”

“Surely not just from a smell in the air?”

“No, but she likes to sit close to me.” Jungeun tilted her head back so it rested on Sooyoung’s shoulder. “Like this, sometimes.”

Sooyoung felt her throat go dry and a tenseness that she couldn’t turn into words. Her hands shook as it did up the last button on Jungeun’s dress: for it was getting hard to discern where exactly she wanted to touch. 

“Thank you.” Jungeun spun away from Sooyoung like she hadn’t been shaking too. “How does it look?”

“Just what I had imagined it to be like.” 

Sooyoung fumbled with the camera. “Tell me how to work this thing.”

“Look - be gentler.” Jungeun guided her fingers, her nails biting at Sooyoung’s skin. “You move this, and then when you want to take the picture, hold this down.”

Sooyoung understood it faster than she’d have liked to, with the sting of Jungeun’s touch imprinted into her skin. Jungeun drew back, and Sooyoung let a breath go. “Stand still.”

“Alright.” Jungeun closed her eyes. 

And there she was: beautiful, with the winter sun behind her, the light making Jungeun almost indiscernible from that untold, irrational dream of driving up granite mountains wrapped in an eternal dusk. Yet Sooyoung also saw a myriad of blues, and the clear sea of California came to mind; and what she remembered most clearly was the blurred silhouette at the top of the Empire State building.

“I hope I did justice to this gorgeous light.” Sooyoung’s voice wasn’t as solid as it felt.

“And this dress.”

“And you, of course.” 

Jungeun looked to the side but her eyes came back to Sooyoung’s. “If you say so.”

“Would you believe it if it were anyone else?”

“Believe what?”

“That you’re like a painting, Jungeun.” Sooyoung sighed. “Taking a photo doesn’t capture you as well as it does the light.”

“... they say paintings are subjective.”

“And they say the beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Sooyoung watched Jungeun blush, slowly but inevitably. Her hand moved the camera to her eyes and she took the photo before Jungeun had realised.

“Hey - that’s unfair!”

“It’s impromptu!” Sooyoung smiled at the frown adorning Jungeun’s face.

“You’ll have to pay for that - for the film, I mean.”

“Oh, honey, I’ll pay for whatever you want.”

“You mean that?”

“I’m as serious as could be.”

“What’s for lunch, then?”

Sooyoung laughed. “Let’s go down and see.”

“You’ve got to help me again.” Jungeun turned. Sooyoung took a breath and trailed her hands down Jungeun’s back, little prickles of electricity running up her fingertips as she left each button undone. 

“I’ll wait on the stairs. Want me to put the camera back in the car?”

“Maybe later.” Jungeun shrugged her shoulders out of the dress, and Sooyoung teetered on the verge of words, but the pounding of her pulse muffled her thoughts. 

She went out onto the landing and shut her eyes tightly, the terrifying heat in her chest billowing and flowing and ebbing like the tide. There was no need for a camera when the image was inked behind her eyelids so that even in darkness she could imagine Jungeun’s every move, the lines that separated her figure from the background like roads Sooyoung wanted to traverse.

At the forefront of her mind in turmoil was the thought that Junguen would make a better subject than a photographer; she was meant to be seen, to be gazed upon like art. Sooyoung had never felt this way, not even when she was watching the snow settle during her first English Christmas over the gardens of Blenheim. Or perhaps it was the same feeling.

“I’ve hung it back up the best I can.” Jungeun stepped out of the guest room. She was back in her blouse with the red stripes, and Sooyoung smiled at how untidily it was tucked in.

“Shall we, then?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm British if you couldn't tell.
> 
> Literally crying at the fact I didn't kiss a girl before lockdown, and now I'm sitting here, eating toast and yearning. This is just self-indulgent writing and it's purple prose but like... it means so much to me.
> 
> Have a good day yall.


	3. Christmas Trees

It was just after lunch that Sooyoung remembered the tree in her trunk. 

“Do you think we can lift it?”

“Let’s try anyway.” Jungeun pushed her chair back and stood. She walked into the house and through the hallways with Sooyoung trailing behind, wondering if there would come a day when Jungeun wouldn’t need to wait for her at the front door because she’d give Jungeun the keys to this house.

“It’s… bigger than I expected.”

“Well, there’s only the two of us here.” Sooyoung pushed up her sleeves. Beside her, Jungeun loosened the collar of her blouse, stretching back her shoulders. 

“I used to help Sister Kahei every Christmas with the tree.” Jungeun wrapped her hands round the trunk. “We would go out into the cold - her and I, sometimes with Jiwoo, but most times without, and we’d take the tree that was taller than half the girls there back up the hill to the Convent.”

Sooyoung gathered the top-most branches of the tree together in her arms. “How many years, then, were you at that place?”

“It felt longer when I was there, but once I was 18 they let me and Jiwoo go.”

“... well, you seem to be happy to be out.” 

“Of course. Though, I don’t think I would’ve chosen to go somewhere else, even if I could.”

“You wouldn’t have met Jiwoo otherwise.” Sooyoung stopped outside her front door. “What do you think about putting it in the sitting room?”

“Sure.”

The tree scattered its thin leaves over the carpet as it settled. Jungeun reached over and picked out the pine needles in Sooyoung’s skirt, while Sooyoung straightened out Jungeun’s collar, and it made Sooyoung crave to touch and be touched all at once.

“What decorations do you have?”

“Oh - you needn’t worry about that. Yerim likes to put them up herself.” 

“When is she coming?” Jungeun said, and in the silence of Sooyoung taking in the sight of the curve of Jungeun’s eyebrow, the firelight glancing off her lips - the doorbell rang.

“That should be her.” Sooyoung muttered. “You stay here.”

Jungeun turned away from the window as if she were sensing Sooyoung’s dread as well. “Alright.”

Meeting him had never ended without Sooyoung calling Jinsoul later in the day and Jinsoul bringing round a bottle or two after Yerim had fallen asleep. They would keep their voices hushed but Sooyoung’s hand always shook, even with Jinsoul’s arm around her shoulders and the reassuring hugs she gave.

Yerim’s gone running upstairs to see her bedroom when he spoke. “Her clothes are all in the bag there. I’ll be back on the 28th - you shouldn’t take her out too much, it’s not good for her.”

“You don’t need to tell me what to do for my niece.”

Yerim’s uncle raised his eyebrows. “No; soon it won’t be me, it’ll be a judge.”

“Don’t bring that up today, of all days.”

“Celebrating, are we?” His eyes were sharp. “Those aren’t your shoes, or Jinsoul’s.”

“That is, frankly, none of your business.”

“I don’t want Yerim to be meeting strangers.”

“She’s not a stranger -”

“She’s another woman you met and brought back to your house.” 

Sooyoung felt her throat close up. “She’s my friend.”

“Just like Jinsoul.”

“I’ll see you on the 28th.” Sooyoung let the door swing shut. She focused on the pattering of footsteps upstairs as she waited with bated breath for the car outside to travel away. As soon as the sound of the engine had faded, Jungeun emerged from the sitting room.

“Are you alright? You seem…” Her voice softened as Sooyoung shook her head.

“Let’s not talk of that now. Please.”

“I - is it because I was here?”

“Honey,” Sooyoung began. “I want you to be here.”

“Who was he?”

Sooyoung looked down. “He’s my sister’s ex-husband. Well, they never divorced.”

“Oh.” Jungeun gripped her shirt hard. “I’m sorry.”

“We should go and see Yerim.”

Sooyoung didn’t offer her hand this time and she saw Jungeun hesitate before turning her back and scaling the stairs. 

“Who’s this, Sooyoungie?” Yerim grabbed Sooyoung’s empty hand.

“Hello. My name is Jungeun - you can call me Jungie if you like.” Jungeun cleared her hair away from her face and smiled.

“Jungie… are you and auntie friends?”

Sooyoung met Jungeun’s eyes. “Very much so.” 

“I thought your only friend was Jinsoul auntie.”

“Well, we met only last week: she found my gloves - and in fact, she also helped find your present!”

“Really?” Yerim took a few steps closer to Jungeun. “Then can you tell me what it is? Sooyoungie won’t tell me.”

“That’s a secret.” 

“Aww, you two are no fun.” Yerim pinched the skin on Sooyoung’s hand.

“What would you like to do today, darling?”

“Is there a tree? Can I put the sparking things on it again? And we need cookies and carrots and -” 

She tugged Sooyoung down the stairs; Sooyoung steadied herself with Jungeun’s arm, pulling the girl with her. Jungeun’s laugh was like pebbles skipping over a lake. 

“It’s gigantic!” Yerim put her hands on her cheeks. 

“I’m glad you like it.” Jungeun smiled.

“Wait here, you two; I’ll get the decorations.”

Sooyoung ducked out of the room and into the cupboard under her stairs, coughing and wiping away cobwebs. Her hands landed on a box fuzzy with dust in the dark and she pulled away with it, hitting her head, cursing under her breath.

“... can you take some of me next time?”

“If you want,” Jungeun looked up at Sooyoung. “Yerim wants to see my camera. And I told her about the photos I took of you.”

“She’s amazing!”

“Well, not really -”

Sooyoung chuckled. “I think so too, you know.”

Jungeun fidgeted. “I wouldn’t say it like that.”

“Develop those photos soon, and we’ll see.”

Yerim pulled at the box in Sooyoung’s hands. “Can we open this now?”

“Oh - yes, of course.” Sooyoung set the box down and blew the dust away; it revealed words scrawled onto the lid in handwriting Sooyoung had last seen years ago. “Do you still remember these, Yerim?”

“A little bit. Mummy bought them, didn’t she?”

“That’s right.” Sooyoung said softly.

“I miss her.” Yerim’s hands ruffled through the strings and the baubles, the cold clinking filling the silence.

“We all do. Well, shall we put these up?”

“Yes!” Yerim began smiling again. 

All this time Jungeun had watched them and her face had been inscrutable. What did it feel like to hang on to someone you’d lost? What do you choose to keep of them? Maybe it was like those itches felt in a limb amputated. All the same, there was no way to partake in this almost-ritual without surely ruining it, and yet, she didn’t want to leave the two of them.

Sooyoung glanced up at her, and waved her closer. “Come and help us.”

“Can I really?”

“Of course.”

Sooyoung made room for Jungeun and they began sorting the decorations into neat little piles. “Has the doll arrived yet?”

“Not so loud - but yes, just yesterday.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Jungeun watched Yerim struggle to hang a bauble on a branch four feet off the floor. “Does she like Christmas?”

“Oh, she loves it. We used to have a little party here, and she adored the lights and sweets and the company of people set on pampering her.”

“Are you planning that tomorrow?”

Sooyoung shook her head. “I don’t know nearly enough people now.”

“I was thinking - if you want -”

“It’d just be me and Jinsoul, I suppose.”

“... that makes sense.”

“How much do you like Christmas?”

“I liked it when I could wake up to presents the sisters would give us. That’s gone, of course. I might try and develop those photos tomorrow.”

“You make sure to enjoy yourself, then, and have some good food.”

Jungeun nodded. “Sure.”

“Jungie! Sooyoungie!” Yerim stood with her arms crossed. “Stop looking at each other and help me!”

“Alright, alright.” Sooyoung shook her head and smiled.

Quiet fell softly on the group; Sooyoung wondered if it might start snowing soon. The weather was just right for it and just right upstairs were Yerim’s gloves and scarves. Her eyes landed on her own leather gloves, collecting dust on the windowsill behind Jungeun. How fast would snowflakes melt on Jungeun’s bare skin?

Silver lakes and golden lights fell into place in her future. Streams from a glacier trickling across mountain paths - a warm hand in her own. A cascading waterfall of maple honey hair.

Jungeun switched on the string lights and they shrouded her in a light that seemed to cast no shadows.

“Pretty!” Yerim clapped her small hands together. “Can we close the curtains? Please?”

“Of course, darling.” Sooyoung swept them shut and then you could no longer see the tree’s branches: just the blinking and the glimmering of the droplets of light upon the leaves, and the still-glowing coals in the fire.

“It’s beautiful.” There was no other way to tell how close Jungeun was apart from her breath, imprinting as softly on Sooyoung’s cheek as her touch had felt. 

“Thank you for this,” Sooyoung replied.

“I hope it made you happy,” Jungeun said, lightly. “As happy as I was today.”

“Of course it did.”

“Will you leave it up till the New Year?”

“I was going to take it down when Yerim had gone - that’s the 28th.” Sooyoung sighed. “But I can keep it up; as long as you come and help me take it down again.”

It was strange how she felt Jungeun’s smile in her voice as if her lips had been at Sooyoung's ear: “I’m not a handyman.”

“I’ll treat you to some more macarons. And besides, I’d like to see those photos.”

“Hey - Jungie!” Yerim skipped up to them. “You can take some pictures now!”

“Oh… that’s a good idea. I’ll get my camera then.”

Sooyoung listened to Jungeun stumble into the dresser, then the coffee table, then the footstool. “Goodness, you’re hopeless.”

Jungeun huffed. “I can’t - ow!”

“Auntie, shouldn’t you go help her?” Yerim whispered.

Sooyoung laughed: “She’ll know her way around, soon enough.” and heard Jungeun yell out in protest. 

“Sooyoung, please!” 

“Alright.” Sooyoung let go of Yerim’s hand. “You can’t be that blind…” 

Moving forwards around her furniture, her hands landed on something distinctly soft. Surely not. The noise that Jungeun made was far more than surprise and Sooyoung scrambled backwards, the pain of her back hitting the ground not enough to eradicate the memory of her hands. 

“You two are useless!” Yerim pushed through, stepping on Sooyoung’s left hand in the process, drawing a hiss of breath; she used all her weight to pull back the curtains which revealed Sooyoung keeled over and Jungeun nursing several bruises.

Jungeun’s eyes widened. “Are you alright?”

“Yes - oh, I’ll be fine.” Sooyoung swallowed down a curse as she got up. “I’m not that old yet.”

“So you say.”

“Why you -”

Yerim giggled. “There’s no hope for you two. I can’t believe you made Sooyoungie laugh even when she fell over!”

“Why no hope, then?”

“Jungeun told me you want to go to Oxford with her.” 

Sooyoung looked over at Jungeun, who met her gaze with something akin to embarrassment. “Yes, I did say that. And I do want to.”

“How are you ever going to get there in one piece?” Yerim shook her head, curls bouncing. 

“We’ll make it, don’t you worry.” Sooyoung smiled.

Sooyoung decided not to linger on the thoughts of Jungeun in places filled with sunshine, and instead led Yerim upstairs to her bedroom to look at her dresses and new books and such things. Jungeun said perhaps she’d like those photos after all; Sooyoung left her perched on the footstool like an owl, her unobscured eye shut tight and her eyebrows knitted together.

“Are we going to be alone this Christmas too?” 

“Well, Jinsoul might be coming over, she wants to see you.”

“Yay! Oh -” Yerim bounced with excitement at her easel. “Do we have any paint? I want Jungeunie to draw me!”

“I’m sure we could find some. Why don’t you go downstairs and ask her while I look?”

“Okay!”

Sooyoung searched round the room. Her mind wandered back to when last she had touched the furniture in this house, in the rooms she didn’t eat or sleep in. Her sister had only seen her sitting-room once or twice with everything as neat, or empty, as it was now.

Yerim’s bedroom was the only room that she liked to sit in alone, painting in her head and birdsong through the window. Many a letter unsent was written here; there was no desk so all the words were illegible anyways. 

The bay windows were half the reason why Sooyoung bought this house. Yerim’s overlooked the garden with its closed parasols and deciduous carpet, and the two figures moving between the trees.

Sooyoung saw Yerim drag Jungeun by the hand to the pond, pointing into it, and Jungeun solemnly raising her camera while Yerim peered into the depths.

“It’s December...” Sooyoung shook her head.

Jungeun had barely finished when Yerim, excited, knocked into Jungeun’s arm and caused her to lose her balance; both of them teetered at the edge of the pond with Sooyoung’s heart suddenly at her throat before Jungeun stumbled backwards, pulling Yerim with her.

And the laughter that floated up to the window - Sooyoung held it close to her chest, nestled inside her ribcage. It fell like a blanket around her, it felt like returning to your bedroom after a long time away, the objects that you slotted yourself amongst seamlessly, and the smell that you hadn’t been able to notice before.

Jungeun had her hand over her mouth and Yerim was giggling like sunshine. Happiness seemed to cost so little in that moment; Sooyoung was certain that if only she knew how to reach out her hand she’d be able to convince the world that this was right, that this was the way that it was meant to be all along, because meeting Jungeun was a coincidence that, with hindsight, seemed like fate.

And in that very same second, Jungeun looked up. Sooyoung was held immobile by the colour of Jungeun’s gaze, by the future that she saw play out perfectly in her eyes. If not for Yerim - in spite of Yerim - Sooyoung was ready to drop everything for that irresistible road journey westwards.

And yet how concretely shameful this feeling was: to think that the thought of leaving her niece alone a thousand miles away because of a girl she had only met thrice in the time of the week she’d known her. Someone she knew so little about.

Sooyoung dropped her gaze and asked herself how much more she could afford to find out.

If she took a trip there would first and foremost be the correspondence with her lawyers and with the court. Yerim’s uncle would not let it go unemphasised and she would have a strike against her for more than it was worth. If she took a trip _with Jungeun_ \- there would be no end to stories he could spin, and Sooyoung would lose all the right to be in Yerim’s life.

To think that this were ever a choice - the invisible distance between Jungeun and her, between Yerim and her - they were both now coming back upstairs, and Sooyoung was struck once again by how painless her life would be if she could simply listen to their voices, together, plain and unadorned but with the knowledge that Sooyoung loved them decorating every word. 

There was nothing strange about this desire because Sooyoung had felt it all her life. From the moment she had seen the sky reflected in a girl’s blue eyes, from the first dance she’d jokingly had with a cousin’s step-sister not much older than herself at the first wedding she’d been to, and the feeling of Jinsoul’s hand on her shoulder, on her waist, wandering almost everywhere - placing a kiss on a friend’s cheek - 

She hadn’t been able to put it into words, only pictures, like the Classics professor at Lady Margaret Hall who always wore slacks and who, Sooyoung was sure, had a sapphic fragment tattooed on her left wrist, or the diligent short-haired girl who sat next to her on the flight across the Atlantic and left the Well of Loneliness behind on her seat as they landed.

_If our love is a sin, then heaven must be full of such tender and selfless sinning such as ours_ , Radclyffe Hall had spoken through Stephen Gordon. And suddenly Sooyoung understood how dangerous her guiltless indulgences had been.

All too often in the papers there would be emboldened across the front page news of raids on _immoral_ and _perverse_ bars, the names of countless women put next to faces with cropped hair and _imitative men’s pants_. They had been working-class women - no longer so, because they had been made unemployed by the nature of their existence. 

How privileged she had been to be able to explore, and how lucky she was to not have been found out. But as Jungeun stood in front of her, Yerim arranging the flowers the florist had dropped off, Sooyoung forgot all about that. 

“I’m glad you two didn’t fall into the pond.” Sooyoung smiled.

“Oh, god - I hoped you hadn’t seen that.”

“I didn’t!”

“Then - ah,” Jungeun held her hands up. “Nothing happened of that sort.”

“I’m scandalised, Jungeun - I trusted you!”

Jungeun flushed. “I promise you it won’t happen again.”

Sooyoung laughed. “I’m not serious. If you hadn’t had your camera with you - it would’ve been a fine spectacle.”

“It’s December. You want me to fall ill?”

“Oh no - no, I’d have a towel and things ready for you.” Sooyoung put a hand on her cheek. “But only after I’d taken a few photos, of course.”

“Who’s to say that I’ll develop those?”

“I’ve said I’ll pay you, haven’t I?”

“I’ve got enough money for now, thank you very much.”

“Money’s not all that I can offer.” Sooyoung said. “How about you join us for dinner tonight?”

Yerim materialised by Jungeun’s side. “Will you? Please?”

Jungeun looked between the two of them, her mouth moving wordlessly. Jiwoo wouldn’t be back for another two days and being with them was infinitely better than anything she could do on her own. It would be a simple dinner; and then, she could take the train back to the city.

Sooyoung inclined her head. “I’ll even drive you back.”

“I won’t be… taking any of your time, right?”

“Of course not.” Sooyoung rubbed the top of Yerim’s head. “Yerim thinks the same.”

“Alright then.”

When Yerim wrapped her arms not quite all the way around Jungeun in a hug she pretended that a smile wasn’t breaking through her mock frown. 

They spent the afternoon preparing a casserole, with the ample help of the housekeeper. Jungeun in an apron was something Sooyoung didn’t know that she needed until that moment. And clipping Jugeun’s hair back gave Sooyoung an ache in her chest, an intimate feeling of wanting her days to always be like this.

Dinner was as good as ever; and afterwards, Yerim discovered a tub of ice cream in the freezer, which she sat eating happily in front of the television set. At the last moment, they remembered to put some cookies and milk next to the fireplace along with a few carrots. 

“I’m sleepy.” Yerim stretched her arms against Sooyoung’s side. Sandwiched between Sooyoung and Jungeun, it seemed that she would fall asleep at that very moment.

“Let’s get you in bed, then.” Sooyoung carried Yerim up the stairs. “When you wake up, there’ll be an extra special gift for you.”

“Will Santa get you something too?”

“Maybe, if he thinks I’ve been good.” Sooyoung kissed Yerim’s forehead. “Goodnight.”

Yerim yawned. “I want Jungie to sleep over.”

“Well, she’s got things to do at home, I’m sure.”

“She doesn’t…” Yerim nodded off for a moment. “... say no if you ask.”

“Shall I ask, then?”

But Yerim had already fallen asleep. Impressive that she’d been able to keep awake - it was past 10 o’clock and she’d had so many sweets. Quietly, Sooyoung shut the door.

From under her own bed she retrieved the wrapped doll bought just last week. What a strange coincidence that had led her to this doll - led her to go into that store and face that girl standing at the counter. Jungeun had spoken like she wanted to make Sooyoung smile without even knowing it. 

And Sooyoung suddenly was familiar with the girl’s mannerisms; she used the space between her first two fingers to pull back her hair, she bit her lips and she bit her nails. Sooyoung wanted to know what her laugh sounded like when there was silence, and there was no one but the two of them. 

Downstairs, it was quiet except for the sound of the television playing late-night carols. “Jungeun?”

Sooyoung looked round the sitting room, half-expecting Jungeun to have slipped out silently despite it being too late for trains to still be running. “Are you still…”

She was asleep.

“You can’t be serious.” Sooyoung tossed the doll under the tree and sat close to Jungeun. Her mouth was open, and her breaths came steadily and deeply. “You’re almost twenty-two…”

There seemed, to Sooyoung, to be two options. One was to wake her up and send her back to her apartment - empty, no doubt, and it was inevitable she’d fall asleep in the car again - or let her carry on dozing until the morning. 

“I had no choice.” Sooyoung said under her breath as she put an arm under Jungeun, shaking her gently. “I had no choice,” repeated Sooyoung, pulling a Jungeun who was drowsily clinging to her shoulder, her breath on Sooyoung’s neck, up the stairs.

“I had no choice…” Sooyoung let Jungeun fall onto the guest room bed. The lamplight softened the edges of Jungeun’s face and Sooyoung wondered, idly, how she would look in the light of dawn, on the pillow next to her own. 

A fine line to tread between imagination and desire: Sooyoung switched off the lamp and turned for her own bedroom, trembling. 

That night, she opened the pages of Radclyffe Hall, and with her finger traced the sentences that were now being re-etched into her mind. _It would seem to Stephen that her heart was so full of Angela Crossby, all the bitterness, all the sweetness of her,_ and Sooyoung felt the timeless words feed into a frighteningly familiar feeling.

It was midnight when her headache arrived, knocking at her skull like a jilted lover. She shut the book and undressed distractedly; she could not touch the buttons on her clothes without remembering, without feeling her pulse rising and her skin warming. 

“Damn it all to hell.” Sooyoung flung herself down on the bed but could not close her eyes for far, far too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quarantine do be getting to me though, a bitch is crying and yearning like never before.
> 
> Loona is literally my only saving grace, I ordered 200 photocards off Alibaba and I think I shed actual tears when they arrived. Artsy Jungeun is a ConceptTM but like, from that drawing V Live you can tell... that's just unrealistic lmao.


	4. Easy Living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
> 
> Happy pride and remember, Stonewall was a riot. Marsha P. Johnson was a black trans woman who threw the first brick. Black lives matter.

Yerim’s excitement drew Sooyoung out of her slumber as she half-rose from her bed. God, it was late, and Yerim had already ran downstairs. And distinctly - between Yerim cheering and clapping, was Jungeun’s laughter. Her headache softened.

When she pushed open the door to the sitting room Jungeun was swinging Yerim in her arms. 

“Sooyoungie!” Yerim let herself go and showed the doll to her. “It’s so pretty!”

“I’m glad you like it.” Sooyoung smiled. “You should thank Jungeun.”

“Thank you -” Yerim turned and hugged Jungeun.

“Oh - no - it was just my job.”

After she saw Sooyoung smile wider, Jungeun rubbed the top of Yerim’s head lightly. Sooyoung didn’t allow herself to think of a future where this would be what she saw every time she woke up.

“Did you have a good night’s sleep?”

“Yes, but I didn’t really expect to be waking up here.”

“Aren’t you glad?” 

“... of course. Though my clothes are now crumpled.”

Sooyoung interlocked her fingers. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have appreciated me undressing you.”

“Well -” Jungeun paused. “... I suppose not.”

And so Christmas began, with whimsical conversations and unfulfillable wishes. Yerim was happy, Sooyoung dared to say that she herself was too, and Jungeun - Sooyoung hoped she was. Throwing logs onto the fire, she shivered into her woollen cardigan.

“Look - it’s snowing.” Jungeun pulled back the curtains.

Yerim nearly made Jungeun fall over as she ran to her, arms clinging to her legs. Sooyoung made her way to the window more slowly: the sunlight reflecting off the snow almost blinding her, Jungeun’s silhouette stamped on her retina.

For a long while they stood there watching the snow come down. What a dazzling, brilliant sight it was - the swirling of the snowflakes in broken patterns, spilling into the sky a flurry of motion like cotton or sparrows’ feathers. Jungeun’s mouth hung open and Sooyoung contemplated moving closer. 

But then Yerim pulled on Jungeun’s hand. “I’m hungry.”

“Shall we see if there are any cookies Santa hasn’t had?”

Sooyoung let them go and the knowledge that they were apart from her but still close, that their motion was near her stillness, made her sigh with a paradoxical calm. Accepting this was all too natural.

Outside, a car made tracks through the snow, and footsteps appeared all the way up to her front door.

Moments later there was a knock at the door, and then Jinsoul’s voice was saying: “This weather is horrendous!”

“Oh… I suppose it is.” Sooyoung stood still.

“I’m glad you agree but won’t you let me come in?”

“I…” She stopped as Jinsoul’s eyes landed on the shoe rack.

“Well, I wouldn’t say that I didn’t expect this. But,” Jinsoul swept some snow off her shoulder. “Do you know what to do next?”

“How could I possibly know?”

“Knowing you, you’ve begun to imagine it.”

“And so what?”

Jinsoul shook her head. “Not everyone thinks what you’re doing - what you two are - is right.”

“That I know fully well.” Sooyoung could hear Yerim giggle. “What about you?”

“I’m your friend, I want to see you happy.”

“Then please don’t be like this.”

“Alright.” Jinsoul sighed, and held out a package. “I do want to give Yerim this, though.”

“Well, come in.”

Jinsoul stepped in as she’d done countless times before but this time there wasn’t enough space for her snow-boots. Her coat dripped onto the carpet; Jinsoul reached out to shut the door and there was silence. Faintly, the sound of Jungeun and Yerim echoed through the house with the clink of dishes.

“You should drive her home. I’ll wait for Yerim in her room upstairs.”

“... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Jinsoul sighed. “I know you can’t help it.”

She climbed the stairs and disappeared from sight. Sooyoung made her way to the kitchen slowly, seeing Yerim and Jungeun pause in their movements.

“Jungeun - shouldn’t you be going back now?”

Jungeun flinched. “I suppose - yes, I should.”

“Why?” Yerim asked.

They both began to answer at the same time but fell quiet. Sooyoung knew the girl didn’t want to go. And she knew that if it were not Christmas, if it were somewhere else, she’d let Jungeun stay as long as she felt like.

“I’ll drive you back.”

“Can I see Jungie again soon?” Yerim hung onto Jungeun’s hand.

“I’ll try my best, honey.” Sooyoung smiled. “Do you want to put your doll away in your bedroom now?”

Jungeun didn’t speak as they made their way to the car. There were no words to be said on the other car parked haphazardly on the driveway, the coat hung over hers that Jungeun had to move aside. She seemed to be dozing off but Sooyoung saw her nails scratch at the skin on her arm.

Snowflakes blocked out the view but Jungeun didn’t look away from the window.

The carols on the radio were the only things Sooyoung heard on the way into New York; and the traffic - it was impossible to move at more than a snail’s pace, boxed in by all the people rushing into the city to say hello and happy holidays to their loved ones.

“Can I call you?” Sooyoung pulled up outside Jungeun’s apartment, after an hour’s of Christmas songs had passed. 

“Alright.” It was then that Sooyoung realised how heavy the absence of Jungeun’s voice was.

“Have a good Christmas, then.” 

“You too.” Jungeun shut the car door without looking back.

Sooyoung had barely taken her eyes off Jungeun’s retreating figure in the snowy mist when an animated voice yelled “Jungie!”

“Jiwoo?” Jungeun sounded startled. “How - why -”

“I don’t have my keys and I’d been freezing! Why weren’t you home?”

“I didn’t expect you to be back so early - god, your hands are frozen.” 

“Yes.” Sooyoung saw Jiwoo’s head bob up. “Who is that?”

“... A friend I met.”

“A man or a woman?”

“A woman.”

“I want to see what she’s like -” 

Bright eyes, peering out from behind a fringe, appeared at her window. Sooyoung pulled her hair back from her face. “Hello?”

“Oh, I know that voice.” Jiwoo said, almost to herself. “Jungeun’s said so much about you but never your name…”

“She has?”

Jungeun drew up next to Jiwoo. “Sooyoung, this is Jiwoo. Jiwoo - Ha Sooyoung.”

“Glad to meet you.” Jiwoo’s eyes crinkled in a smile.

“You too. Jungeun’s told me all about you two.”

“She has?” Jiwoo pulled Jungeun closer. “I didn’t take you to be the affectionate type!”

“I’m not.” Jungeun tilted her head away from Jiwoo’s but didn’t move.

“Well, it’s been good meeting you, Jiwoo.,” Sooyoung coughed. “You better get inside, otherwise you’ll catch a cold.”

Sooyoung didn’t wait to hear a response as she ignited the engine and began driving. Jiwoo was nice enough, if a little too bright and a little too open. Her eyes had been sharp through the snowy window. Her hand had always been touching Jungeun, her waist, her hair, as if it were its rightful place. 

And in a way it felt like the Jinsoul and Sooyoung of years ago: growing up never more than a few miles apart, memorizing each other’s routines, ordering at restaurants for each other. Flying across continents to spend a week together. Parts of their lives given to each other wholly, uninterrupted. And there would always be pieces of Jungeun that Sooyoung would never be able to know.

When she arrived back at her house, she was greeted by Yerim in Jinsoul’s arms, lips red and eyebrows impossibly thick.

“I used your makeup!”

Sooyoung took a deep breath. “Yes, darling. I can see that.”

“I didn’t even need any help.”

“She did this all by herself.” Jinsoul’s eyes crinkled. “I did _try_ to help, but, well…”

“I don’t know if it would’ve turned out better if you had helped…”

“We took pictures!” 

“I won’t let her forget this - when she grows up she’ll have this haunting her.” Jinsoul said.

“Just a moment; what did you use to take the pictures?”

Jinsoul held up Jungeun’s camera. “This?”

“That’s -” Sooyoung once again inhaled. “That’s not ours.”

“Oh. I gather it’s… what was her name?”

“Nevermind.” Sooyoung sighed, taking the camera. “I’ll get it back to her soon.”

“You should’ve said this wasn’t ours.” Jinsoul put Yerim down and crouched in front of the girl. 

“I thought Jungie would let us use it…”

“If you say so. Next time, though, ask this Jungie first, alright?”

“Are  _ you  _ allowed to call her Jungie?”

Jinsoul looked up at Sooyoung turning the camera over in her hands. “Well, I don’t know what else to call her.”

“She said…” Yerim frowned. “I can’t remember.”

“That’s okay.” Jinsoul patted the girl’s head. “I’m sure it’ll come to you soon.”

The first thing Sooyoung did after putting Jungeun’s camera away was to give Yerim a bath, so that for the rest of Christmas day she wouldn’t look like she’d fallen face-first into a palette of watercolours meant for painting a sunset.

They set up the Christmas lunch; Jinsoul had brought round a turkey. 

“How did you get this?” Sooyoung whispered as Yerim cheered.

“Friend of mine, they knew I’d need one today.”

“So you planned on not going up to Montreal.”

“I was serious about staying this year.” Jinsoul said.

“I’d have been fine by myself.”

Jinsoul moved to help Yerim cut up the turkey. “Perhaps that’s true.”

“Can’t you trust me to be alone?”

“Alone is one thing - meeting with strangers is another.”

“What’s that got to do with… that’s what Yerim’s uncle said, too. She’s not a stranger.”

“For all intents and purposes, that’s exactly who she is. What do you know about her?”

“Enough.”

“From the way you act I’d say not enough for you.”

“So be it. She’s my -” the word caught in her throat. “Friend. I’m bound to want to know her better.”

“As long as you can keep saying that, you’ll be safe.” Jinsoul handed her a plate. 

“... safe. Alright.”

After lunch, Yerim pulled them outside in the snow. She made tracks in the untouched cover, rolled snowballs up and stacked them only to have them collapse. Sooyoung and Jinsoul watched Yerim tear around the yard with wry smiles on their faces.

“She’s grown, hasn’t she?” Jinsoul said.

“I didn’t think she’d grow so fast.”

“It’s always like that.”

A snowball exploded at Sooyoung’s feet. Looking up, she saw Yerim stick her tongue out at her. “Hey!”

Jinsoul laughed and the sound was as familiar to Sooyoung as the shape of the hills that led up to her house, coloured like summer, forest green and wildflower yellow. In her memories New York had been grey except for the sunspots on Jinsoul’s hands.

“Do you remember when we went down to DC?”

“Oh, during the fall.”

“Autumn, I used to say.” Sooyoung chuckled. “I still had that ridiculous English accent.”

“It  _ was  _ rather funny.”

“We went to all the museums and we took pictures and got ice-creams - we rented a car older than both of us put together, and you taught me how to drive.”

“Sure, I remember that. I remember how you held onto that steering wheel like you were trying to mould your handprints in it.”

“Well, I don’t seem to recall that.” Sooyoung raised her eyebrows. 

“You’ve got a fickle memory.”

“I managed to drive us to the hotel just fine. But the room they gave us…”

“Oh, god.” Jinsoul sighed. “Rose petals on the bed the first night we came.”

“I don’t know what they were thinking.”

“The man at the counter always forgot our names. He’d start with  _ Mrs…  _ and you’d remind him  _ just Miss _ .”

“We looked young enough, but he didn’t think so.”

“Well, unmarried women wouldn’t be able to go around like we did.” Sooyoung said. “That room was meant for a couple, I’d guess.”

“On honeymoon, perhaps. But - the man did tell us about this lake, just an hour’s drive away.”

“You drove that time.”

“Because you were afraid of even the smallest of slopes; and look at you now, house on a hill.”

“I’m far from the way I was back then.”

Jinsoul stretched her arms up, Yerim now making snow angels all over the yard. “Oh, I don’t know about that.” 

Sooyoung still had the same faded freckles on her arms. At that lakeside, they’d stripped down to their bathing suits and jumped in from an empty pier. There was nobody to hear Sooyoung complain as Jinsoul splashed her, the September water not quite warm enough.

Well, it had been cold as hell: but Sooyoung’s touch was like sunlight, warm and golden and as fleeting as summer had been that year. Out beyond the treetops the sky turned golden, too. And afterwards they’d dried themselves with the wilting grass and Jinsoul watched Sooyoung’s tongue between her teeth as she made a crown of daisies. 

“I’m thinking of going back to Europe this summer.” Sooyoung said.

“That’s an idea, isn’t it?”

“You’ve still got that house in Abingdon, haven’t you?”

“I rent it out now.” Jinsoul said. “I could get it for you.”

“I’d like that, if we can’t find someplace else.”

Jinsoul raised her eyebrows. “You’re not going alone?”

“... I’m not sure yet. About going at all, I mean.”

“Well, tell me when you do decide. I’m positive that by spring the trial will settle.”

“One way or the other, I suppose.”

Smiling, Jinsoul gathered up the snow into a pile with her feet. “You’re in a hopeful mood again.”

“Yerim’s here.” 

“What about me?”

“I suppose you’re not too bad.”

“I didn’t take you to be the affectionate type, Sooyoung.” Jinsoul reached down, paused, and launched a snowball directly into Sooyoung’s face.

“Damn you!” Sooyoung stood up and began collecting snow off the banisters. “I take it all back. You’re the single worst person I have ever had the misfortune to meet in my lifetime.”

“You’d think you would have realised that sooner, oh, I don’t know - a decade ago?”

Laughing, Sooyoung shook her head. “Just you wait.”

Surrendering the afternoon of Christmas to a snowball fight was never their intent but when was fun like that ever planned? Yerim, seeing her aunt caught off guard, had readied her own arsenal and soon joined the fray. Countless hits and countless curse words from Sooyoung later, the three stood in the yard, dripping like icicles in the sun.

“It’s hard to hit a smaller target.” Jinsoul said breathlessly.

“You didn’t manage to hit me either.” 

Jinsoul turned her head away from Sooyoung’s smile. “I’ve got snow in my ears. What did you say?”

“I said -”

“Hey, Sooyoungie, can we go back inside?” Yerim pulled Sooyoung towards the house, teeth clattering.

“Of course.”

“A warm bath would be good.” Sooyoung said as she carried Yerim up the stairs.

“I suppose I’ll just wait here then?” Jinsoul sighed. “Or do I get my own bath?”

“Jinsoul auntie’s too old for a bath.”

“You’d think I would’ve started smelling by then, if that were true.”

Sooyoung shook her head. “We’d better wash up too. You know where your bathroom is, Jinsoul.”

“Sure.”

They warmed up quickly enough and Sooyoung’s hair had dried by the time Yerim was out of the bath. After Yerim had crawled into her bed and fallen asleep, the purple-haired doll next to her pillow, Sooyoung passed the open door to the guest room on her way to her own bedroom and almost didn’t hear Jinsoul call out to her.

“You moved the dress,” Jinsoul said. 

Jungeun hadn’t done a very good job of hanging it up. “I thought I’d take it out, yes.”

“To look at it?”

“Something like that.” Sooyoung straightened the shoulder straps, rebuckling them. “It’s still rather short on me. How did you manage that, when you’re the same height as me?”

“I don’t even remember when I bought it.”

“It was for Christmas, one year.”

Jinsoul looked around the room, and then at Sooyoung. “You let her sleep here?”

“Sure. Do you mind?”

“Well, it won’t matter now if I did or not, would it?”

“It’s the only room with the ensuite - apart from mine, and you’re not suggesting she sleeps there?”

“I suppose not.” Jinsoul sighed. “Well, she did make the bed.”

“She’s a neat girl.”

“... I’ll take your word for it.” 

Sooyoung still hadn’t taken her bath yet. “I’ll see you after I wash up.”

“Alright. Are you hungry?”

“I could do with some chocolate.”

Soaking in the hot water, Sooyoung wondered how Jungeun could be so clumsy at times. Unrolling her stockings, forgetting her scarf, tripping over furniture. She didn’t know how the buckles on that dress worked. 

What would her and Jiwoo be doing, right at this very moment? Celebrating with a few drinks, perhaps. Sooyoung would have to call again and tell Jungeun about the camera soon. A part of her wanted to wait for Jungeun to call first, but she wanted to get those photos developed before Yerim was off again - the way Jungeun had phrased it, it seemed like she had her own home studio. 

“Are you done yet?” Jinsoul’s voice rang through the door. “You’re going to shrivel up if you take any longer.”

“Alright!”

As soon as she was fully out of the water she realised she didn’t have a towel. “Jinsoul - would you get me a towel?”

“You don’t have one?”

“Why else would I be asking?” Sooyoung said as the door opened. “Wait -”

Jinsoul rolled her eyes and held the towel out. “We’ve known each other too long to be shy. Come on, you’ll freeze.”

A few tentative steps forward, and Sooyoung retrieved it from Jinsoul’s hands. “Thank you.”

“When you’re done I’ll dry your hair.”

“Sure.” Sooyoung turned and wiped herself down. 

Jinsoul stood silent at the door for a few moments. 

“... you can close the door now.”

“Oh, I forgot.” Jinsoul shook herself. “This is for you. A present.”

Sooyoung wrapped the towel around herself and turned to see Jinsoul holding a pink nightgown. “I… thank you, it’s gorgeous.”

“I promise I have the measurements perfect this time around.”

Sooyoung raised her eyebrows.“I’ll try it on, if you’ll shut the door.”

“Prude.”

“Excuse you.”

“I’m joking.” Jinsoul laughed, and let the door swing close.

Sooyoung exhaled slowly, but it did nothing to calm her pulse. After she’d pulled the nightgown on, she took her water-logged clothes out of the bathroom and dropped them in the laundry basket along with Jinsoul’s and Yerim’s.

“I brought up the chocolates.” 

“Thank you.” Sooyoung settled in the bay window, opposite Jinsoul, who was wearing the blue bathrobe she always forgot to take with her when she spent a night here. “Do we have enough food for dinner?”

“We do.” Jinsoul stretched her legs out so they grazed against Sooyoung’s.

“I suppose we’ll just wait for Yerim to wake up.” 

“What do you propose we do in the meantime?”

“What we always do.” Sooyoung sighed. “Though it’s too early to drink, isn’t it?”

“I brought that whiskey you like.”

In the light of the half-risen moon Jinsoul was saying something but all Sooyoung could remember was the feeling of her hands, months ago, tangled in Sooyoung’s hair. Even without alcohol that night came back to her, and she wondered if it would feel the same now.

“... you weren't listening again.”

Sooyoung moved forwards and it seemed like Jinsoul stopped breathing for a moment. “I’m cold.”

“The fire’s still burning downstairs -”

“Isn’t this easier?” said Sooyoung, settling herself next to Jinsoul.

“If you say so.” Jinsoul pulled Sooyoung’s head onto her shoulder gently. “You still haven’t dried your hair.”

“I’m sure I’ll be alright.”

“I can’t stop you from catching a cold, you do realise that?”

Sooyoung reached for another chocolate and Jinsoul raised the box to meet her halfway. At times like this Sooyoung wondered what would happen if she let Jinsoul stay for longer than a night, so long that she’d have to give over the guest room for Jinsoul and her things. 

They’d known each other so long and in so many ways that people would question it less, two unmarried childless women living just outside of New York, alone. 

“Do you remember that antiques business?”

Jinsoul glanced at her. “I thought we weren’t serious about it.”

“Well, it was at least good to talk over, wasn’t it?”

“That it was.”

“We’d do the deliveries all ourselves - we could drive all over the country, go see Kentucky, anywhere.” 

“I thought I was the sentimental one.”

Sooyoung hit Jinsoul’s shoulder softly. “I’m just remembering.”

“It couldn’t happen, you know that.”

“I know, yes.” Because a few months later Sooyoung’s sister had passed and then all Sooyoung could think about was taking care of Yerim, and Jinsoul knew Sooyoung wouldn’t be able to go anywhere.

“Well, we could think about it after the spring, if that’s what you’d like.”

“I don’t know what I’d like, really.”

“You’ll realise what is it, soon enough.” Silence fell upon them like a quilted blanket; the tap dripped faintly, and Sooyoung watched the rise and fall of Jinsoul’s chest with every breath. There was a comfort to be had in that rythm. 

Where would she be without Jinsoul reminding her to eat, coming with her on those spontaneous road trips, memorising her favourite restaurants and drinks - and allowing Sooyoung to realise that she wanted something different than what everyone else in her life said she did.

“Tell me - honestly, what do you think of her?”

“She’s young. Polite.” Jinsoul exhaled. “You’ve known her for longer than me. I’ve only spoken a few words to her, what does it matter?”

“I want to know how you really feel.”

“I suppose you mean about her and you?”

“Yes… you’re right.” Sooyoung took another chocolate from the box.

“What could I say? That you look at her with a kind of rashness that blots out all thoughts of consequences.”

Sooyoung stopped breathing. “I do?”

“Anyone could see it. And I haven’t seen you that way in a long while.”

“Not since…”

“You know what a court would do if you were found out. If any of us were found out, but for you, and for Yerim.”

“I’ve thought about it so much and yet -”

Smiling, Jinsoul laid her own head against Sooyoung’s. “We can never keep ourselves away from it, can we?”

“From what?”

“Queer hopes and queer longings, queer joys and even more curious frustrations.”

Sooyoung’s eyes landed on the open book on her desk. “Have you read it?”

“Only that page.” Jinsoul smiled. “It was decades ago, and yet it still holds true.”

“I think that sort of thing never goes away.”

“And I gather that you’re planning on seeing her again, then?”

“I’m not planning it, but,” Sooyoung paused. “I can’t deny it. I want to.”

In the moments when Jinsoul seemed to be finding her words, her hand moved to circle Sooyoung’s shoulders. “In that case - who am I to stop you?”

“You’ve got to understand that even though I know it’s the worst idea in the world, I -”

“I know, Sooyoung. I know. I’ve felt the same way.”

Sooyoung frowned. “When?”

“I don’t know if you would remember.” At Sooyoung’s deepening frown, Jinsoul sighed. “It was your second year at Oxford.”

“During that time you lived there?”

“It would be more accurate to say just before I flew out, but yes.”

“... I see.”

Jinsoul once again raised the box for Sooyoung to get another chocolate. “I won’t stop you. And it seems I won’t have to warn you any further.”

“Thank you: it means all the world.”

“Well, I’m just being a good friend.”

Leaning into Jinsoul had warmed Sooyoung up a great deal, and she was unaware how much time had passed, and how many chocolates she’d eaten. “If you were serious about that, you might’ve brought fewer sweets.”

Jinsoul took a chocolate and put it to Sooyoung’s lips. “That’s the one thing I can’t promise to stop.”

“You’re hopeless.”

“That’s right.”

Sooyoung let the chocolate melt on her tongue. “...We should get dinner ready.”

She pulled herself away from Jinsoul, aware of how unwillingly her arms unwound from around her. All she could think about were the velvet cushions on the window seat, the patterns half-erased by their movement. Almost gone, but not quite. 

“Can I stay over tonight?”

Sooyoung could still smell lilies in the air.

“When have I ever been able to stop you?” she sighed, watching a smile grow across Jinsoul’s face. 

“That’s the best thing about you.”


	5. Drive into Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blacklivesmatter.carrd.co/
> 
> Black lives will ALWAYS matter.  
> And also ACAB :)  
> Piss in cop cars but stay safe!! 
> 
> Enjoy this queer rambling in this fun month of June.

It had turned out that Yerim couldn’t stay awake for very long after dinner, either. Sooyoung settled her back in bed at eight o’clock, the doll still clutched in her arms, mumbling about snow angels and gingerbread houses. 

“I want to see… Jungie’s… pictures…”

“Me too, honey.” Sooyoung sighed. “Now, goodnight.”

The camera sat on the shelf next to the front door. Quietly, Sooyoung descended the stairs, thinking all the while about the film it held and the person who had held it. It had been barely a day and still Sooyoung was occupied by how the hair curled round her face, how her voice had swayed like the jazz on a car radio.

“Sooyoung?” Jinsoul called.

“What are you watching?” Taking a seat next to Jinsoul on the sofa, Sooyoung raised her eyebrows at the television set.

“They’re talking about the ball drop. Will you be seeing it this year?”

“I’ll see it on the television, just like I’ve always done.”

Jinsoul knocked her elbow into Sooyoung. “They’re saying it’ll be snowing.”

“How romantic.” Sighing, Sooyoung crossed and uncrossed her legs. “And how cold.”

“I knew you’d say that.”

“What, are you going to see it?”

Jinsoul tilted her head. “Well, nobody will go with me.”

“That’s quite a shame.”

“What are you abandoning me for, then?” Jinsoul said.

“I haven’t made up my mind yet. Yerim couldn’t stay until New Years - so I suppose I’ll drive out somewhere.”

“Alone?”

“I haven’t thought that far.” 

“I suppose I couldn’t convince you to take me.”

Sooyoung thought of spending New Years in a hotel, down south, or west, and could not envision Jinsoul in the same room as her. “I don’t know.”

“I’m rather envious of her.” Jinsoul said. “You’ve been thinking of that camera all day, haven’t you?”

“...I’m just worried.”

“You could buy a new one and mail it, you know where she lives.”

“Don’t you want to see the pictures? I can’t develop them on my own.”

“Not as much as you do.” Crossing her arms behind her head, Jinsoul met Sooyoung’s gaze and seemed to soften. “It’s still early - go on. Take it back to her.”

“... I’ll be quick.” 

“Sure.”

Sooyoung was out of the door and driving before she knew it. When it came to Jungeun, Sooyoung would lose the track of time, would forget about how things were supposed to work, all her wit and composure gone; and every second felt like teetering at the edge of a cliff. 

In that hotel room Sooyoung could see her, her shoulders, her waist, the softness of shadows that clung to the edges of her figure. And Sooyoung was trapped. 

“Hello?” Sooyoung knocked on the door of Jungeun’s apartment. 

For a minute, scuffling could be heard, along with whispers, before the door opened to reveal Jungeun with pink pyjamas and wet hair and Jiwoo peering over her shoulder. “Hello.”

“Have I interrupted your bath?”

“I was just finishing up.” Jungeun stared into Sooyoung’s eyes.

If it weren’t for Jiwoo catching sight of the camera Sooyoung held loosely, there was no telling how long they’d have gone on like that, neglecting all else and most likely catching awful colds. “Jungie - that’s your camera, isn’t it?”

Sooyoung shook herself. “Yes, it is. I’ve come to give it back.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Jungeun flushed against the cold air. “I was going to call you tomorrow morning.”

“Well, here I am. And here it is,” Pressing the camera into Jungeun’s hands - hot against her own icy ones - Sooyoung gave her a smile. “Do call me when you develop the photographs.”

“I will.” 

“Have a good night!” Jiwoo called. 

“Same to you two.”

Her fingers had frozen by the time she made her way back to her car, the snow on the ground already compacted into ice patches that she stumbled on more than once. It took several attempts and a whispered  _ damn you _ for her to finally get the door open.

When she looked up from inside her car she saw Jungeun, having watched Sooyoung’s floundering, laughing in the window of the apartment, and Sooyoung realised that she wanted to be able to hear that sound every day. 

Returning Jungeun a frown accompanied by a smile, she started the engine and began driving away from the source of the warmth in her chest. All along the way, out of New York, Sooyoung wanted more and more to turn around, like an elastic band being stretched to breaking point. 

Jinsoul had gone upstairs by the time Sooyoung arrived back at the house, and she found her opening the bottle of whiskey she’d brought, right there on Sooyoung’s bedside table. 

“That’s rather inappropriate, don’t you think?” 

“And what of it?” Jinsoul smiled at her.

“You’re insufferable.”

“Have a glass: it’s your favourite.”

“I know it is.” Sooyoung downed the cup Jinsoul handed to her, the alcohol scorching its way down her throat. 

“I hope that warmed you up. It was too cold to be going outside.”

Throwing her cardigan over a chair, Sooyoung changed into her pyjamas from the clothes that she’d put on to go see Jungeun. “It was alright.”

“You’re not going to wear the nightgown?”

“Well, I think  _ that’d  _ be too cold for tonight.”

There was no sound except for the clinking of glass against wood as Jinsoul poured herself some whiskey, and sat down on Sooyoung’s bed, spreading her hand along the covers like an invitation. “ _ I _ could warm you up.”

Sooyoung felt the room sway and swallowed. “It’s alright.”

The light of the lamp swept across Jinsoul’s raised eyebrows. “Suit yourself.”

“I just meant…” The words dried up and Sooyoung found her heart pounding. “You’re welcome to sleep in this bed, if you want.”

“And you’ll stay here too?”

“Sure.” 

“Come on, then.” 

Sooyoung reached for another drink before settling herself on the opposite side to Jinsoul, laying her head against the headboard with a soft tap. “What are you planning for the New Year?”

“I’m the same as you: I haven’t decided yet.”

“If I’m free -” Sooyoung looked into Jinsoul’s eyes. “I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Jinsoul sighed. “What right do I have to ask for your time?”

“You’ve made so much time for me.”

“I suppose that’s what being friends is.”

They talked of trite things - the work Jinsoul was doing at the bank, the paperwork the court seemed to be deliberating over indefinitely, and the prospect of it snowing again on New Year’s Eve. Sleepier and sleepier the whiskey made Sooyoung, until her head fell onto Jinsoul’s shoulders and her eyes were threatening to close.

“Goodnight, Sooyoung.” Jinsoul left a kiss on Sooyoung’s forehead and switched the lamp off. All through the night, Jinsoul’s warmth was close but Sooyoung did not close the distance. There would be no point. There was even less point when inconvenient thoughts of honey brown hair and a wildfire invaded Sooyoung’s head, and Sooyoung wondered if Jinsoul could hear them too.

The next morning, it seemed that they both awoke at the same time to the knocking on the door. The voice that followed the greeting of her housekeeper sent ice into Sooyoung’s stomach; she moved her frozen limbs downstairs to see Yerim’s uncle standing at the door.

“You’re too early.” Sooyoung said curtly.

“And you look as if you’ve been drinking again.” 

“You’re too early.” Sooyoung repeated. “It’s only Boxing Day.”

“With all the festivities going on, I suppose you weren’t there when they telephoned.” 

“What?”

“The court is saying Yerim shouldn’t be moved from one house to another like this anymore - it tires her. She’s only a child.”

“So she’s supposed to stay with you? I don’t believe it.” 

He shrugged. “Here’s the letter.”

Reading over the words did nothing to liquefy the anger in Sooyoung, but by the end, she looked up and knew that she had no other choice. “Damn it.”

“Language.”

“Do you want her now?”

“Well, I didn’t come all the way here for nothing.”

“I don’t think she’s awake yet.”

“I’ll wait in the car.” He turned. “By the way, you should tell Jinsoul to park better.”

The door closed and the emptiness in Sooyoung’s stomach turned to nausea. Dazed, she moved through the house and gathered the things Yerim had left downstairs, climbing up the stairs and meeting Jinsoul’s uneasy gaze.

“I’ll go wake Yerim.” Jinsoul didn’t wait for Sooyoung to ask.

“No, it’s alright.” Sooyoung pushed open the door to Yerim’s bedroom, seeing the girl still sleeping next to her doll. “Yerim… the sun is up. Won’t you wake up too?”

Blinking, Yerim stretched and sat up. “Where are we going?”

“Your uncle is here to pick you up.”

Yerim looked at the hastily-packed bag Sooyoung was holding. “But you said we could go to the park today.”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

Yerim was dressed and climbing down the stairs before Sooyoung knew it. And, with a final slam of the door, she was gone, and the silence came bearing down on Sooyoung like iron. 

“Jinsoul, do you think there’s any more of that whiskey left?”

It was only ten o’clock but Sooyoung already had a headache that coffee would not help. Jinsoul led her back into their bedroom, and offered her a glass. “I can’t believe it.”

“I don’t either. What more could they do to me? I’ve done nothing.”

“... do you think it was because of me?”

Sooyoung swallowed. “I don’t care if it was. They have no right.”

“Sooyoung,” Jinsoul approached her. “You should slow down.”

“I don’t think I can - on Boxing Day of all days! And now what am I supposed to do…”

Jinsoul’s lips landed on the corner of her own and it was like pouring water on hot coals. The impulse to push herself away was drowned by the fire of the whiskey and Sooyoung lingered, for a moment, enough so that she could blink in surprise. 

When she buried her head in Jinsoul’s shoulder, Sooyoung smelt soap and familiarity. Hands wrote words across her back that she could not decipher and her breathing clicked into the same rhythm as Jinsoul’s. Sooyoung understood how effortlessly she fit with Jinsoul - but it was like playing the wrong chords, like giving a pianist a flute. Like holding two different maps of the same mountains, and one of them was printed in the wrong language. 

“Jinsoul… what are you doing?”

Slowly, Jinsoul pulled away, leaving Sooyoung at arm's length. “You know, don’t you? And yet you’ve never said anything.”

“I’m sorry, I -”

“I don’t blame you.” Jinsoul looked as if there was a wall between them, even as her hands squeezed her shoulders. “I can’t blame you.”

Sooyoung looked into Jinsoul’s eyes and there was no self-pity: only the waning hope that there would be a chance, somewhere in the future they shared. And Jinsoul was glad that she had the privilege at all to be able to hold Sooyoung so close; yet, of course, never close enough.

“You’ve been so gracious about it.” Jinsoul let go of Sooyoung. “But I should go.”

“... alright. Write to me, soon.”

There wasn’t much left in the bottle Jinsoul brought but Sooyoung could not finish it. There wasn’t anything to be said - and even less to be thought - about Jinsoul, because if she was being truthful she’d known for far too long for her to be pained about it.

Sooyoung wasn’t gracious at all. And now she was afraid of what it would mean for them to have finally acknowledged those feelings that were deemed unworthy, that she could not talk about with anybody, because the only person who understood was now gone. 

But in the midst of it all, Sooyoung stopped deceiving herself any longer. To hell with it; nothing about this should have been so difficult, if only she had been able to take the person she wanted on a date the first day they’d met.

Jungeun’s number was something she’d committed to heart. “Hello?”

“Sooyoung?”

“I’ll be driving West for the next few weeks - as far as Utah, maybe. I’ll be out of town.”

“What about Yerim?”

“Her uncle picked her back up today.” Sooyoung tightened her fingers around the receiver. “I’m free, now, sooner than I expected.”

“That’s one way to look at it.”

“Jungeun… will you come with me?”

There was a pause, a few seconds of void - then, breathlessly, Jungeun spoke. “Of course I will. I just have to get my things in order -”

“When can I come to get you?”

“I’ll call you at two o’clock.” Jungeun’s voice was so close. “Wait for me.”

“I will.”

It took a heartbeat for Sooyoung to pack a suitcase and then it was at three o’clock that they met again, the prospect of seeing Jungeun like a catalyst to time passing. Or perhaps it was that Sooyoung could only clearly remember the time she spent with Jungeun - there was little difference.

Seeing her was like seeing the sun. Sooyoung reached over and opened the door for Jungeun. “Hello, again.” 

“Do you really want me to come with you?”

“Yes, Jungeun, I do. I’m sorry to have called you up so abruptly - you still can change your mind.”

Jungeun threw her bag in the backseat of the car. “No, I could never do that.”

A smile spread over Sooyoung’s face. Having her so close confirmed everything - it was easy, like breathing, it felt like waking up and stretching and opening the window to let air and sunshine in - it was effortless.

That first day, they drove out of New York, the roads crowded with people returning from visiting their relatives, and in the first town they arrived at, they developed the photos in Jungeun’s camera. Spending the hours waiting by having an afternoon picnic in the woods nearby was not how Sooyoung envisioned her Boxing Day to play out, but it was all that she could ask for.

Sooyoung realised all at once that she’d been always wanting to leave, ready to leave, and all it took was one look from Jungeun to convince her that this was where she was meant to be. Fresh fruit and dead leaves at her feet, Jungeun stood looking up at the skeleton of branches and Sooyoung thought suddenly - if she could keep her in that moment, locked up inside a tree’s eighty rings - that was all the reason she needed to keep going. 

Looking at Jungeun was like looking at the sky and the possibilities were suspended like clouds. If they kept driving nobody could find out. 

“Why did you decide to come out here so suddenly?”

“I think,” Sooyoung’s gaze fell to Jungeun’s fingers. “I’ve been needing to get away from New York for a long time.”

“I feel that way too.”

“I imagine so. And I think it needed to be you because - well, I can’t describe the feeling.”

Jungeun scraped her nails along the bark of a tree. “I still don’t understand you, half of the time. But sometimes I wonder if I really want to.”

“I don’t know enough about you, either. And I want to know you better.”

“Is that why you asked me to come?”

“I would have asked you, Jungeun, even if the only thing I knew about you was your name.” Sooyoung smiled and saw Jungeun’s eyes against the winter sun.

“I still remember - the first thing you said to me was about my name.” 

“It was only a few weeks ago, wasn’t it? And now, look where we are.”

For the first time since they’d started driving away from New York, Jungeun laughed, and it sounded like a piece of summer, the shade of Sooyoung’s favourite colour. Jungeun’s hair was untamed and Sooyoung wanted to pull her fingers through it.

What was Jungeun thinking about as she sat opposite Sooyoung, holding hot cocoa between her hands, never still except for the moments she met Sooyoung’s gaze? Sooyoung wondered how close she would be able to get before Jungeun realised.

Though it was impossible, Sooyoung still entertained the prospect of her ending this trip without ever kissing Jungeun.

“I think it’s about time we get going.” Sooyoung spoke before her thoughts could bleed into her actions. “Won’t the photos be done by now?”

“I suppose so.” Standing, Jungeun smoothed down her skirt, and offered a hand to Sooyoung. Even though her hands were smaller she still placed her own over Sooyoung’s. 

The photographs had been taken in the span of 24 hours but they were all different from each other: from the spread of Christmas trees on pine-covered peat, to Sooyoung’s smile into the camera, to Jungeun in that dress and then blurry white images from when Jungeun had nearly fallen into the pond. 

There were a few from before, too - a bar of soap in the sink, a bird caught spreading its wings, and a rectangle of colour that matched the colour of Sooyoung’s car exactly.

“When did you take these?” 

“I can’t remember exactly - it must have been the day we went to that restaurant.”

Sooyoung picked up one of Yerim. “May I keep some of these?”

“Of course - you paid for them, of course.”

“It makes you sound like my personal photographer.” Sooyoung laughed.

“Well, perhaps - hey, what are you doing?” Jungeun frowned at the pictures Sooyoung had separated from the rest.

“I like these.”

“I don’t think they’re very good.”

“Do you really think that?”

“I don’t see any reason why you’d want them…”

Sooyoung tucked the photos of Jungeun in that dress into her purse. “I’ve got a few reasons - but they’d take far too long to explain.”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on; I’ll tell you in the car.”

They drove until nightfall, a few hours away from D.C, and got a hotel just outside of Baltimore. The lateness of the day made people cast a few more looks at the two of them, but they got a double room without problem. 

Two separate beds greeted them as the door opened and Sooyoung felt strangely disappointed. “Which one do you want?”

“Which one do you think gets less noise?”

“Have that one - closer to the wall, then.”

After putting their bags down, Jungeun wandered downstairs to look for a telephone while Sooyoung contemplated ordering some drinks. It was startling how easily Sooyoung gave into her whims when she had nothing to lose, and only Jungeun’s affection to gain. A few moments later, a knock on the door brought two glasses of wine.

It was a while before Jungeun opened the door again. Sooyoung had begun writing a letter to Jinsoul.

“Did the call go well?”

“Well, Jiwoo was surprised that I was awake at this hour, but she’s alright back in New York. Though she says she’s not used to the apartment being so quiet.”

“That’s true.” Sooyoung motioned for Jungeun to come closer. “Have some wine, it’s been a long day.”

“I’m already sleepy as it is…” 

Sooyoung tilted her head and smiled at Jungeun. “I asked for it especially for you, honey.”

“Alright, if you insist.”

For someone who was so unwilling, Jungeun finished the glass surprisingly quickly. Her throat moved in the lamplight and Sooyoung could not help the flush climbing up her own neck, or her gaze moving to Jungeun’s lips, rosy against the glass. 

She didn’t know how intently she was staring, but for once she did not care.

“How is it?”

“It was good.” Jungeun’s voice was honey. “I liked it.”

Putting down her pen, she moved to where Jungeun was sitting on her bed and touched her shoulder against Jungeun’s “What do you want to do now?”

“Sleep, mostly.” 

“Don’t you want to wash?”

“I can do that in the morning… also, I must tell you this -”

Sooyoung held her breath as Jungeun looked up at her from beneath half-closed eyes. “Yes?”

“I wake up at around 5 o’clock. So don’t be alarmed if you hear me moving…”

“That’s… eccentric.”

“Jiwoo seems to have gotten used to it.”

Sooyoung chuckled. “Then I suppose I will, too.”

“Two weeks can’t be enough.”

“Oh, two weeks can be enough for plenty of things.” Leaning closer, Sooyoung tried to keep Jungeun awake by holding her gaze, although that just seemed to make Sooyoung herself dizzier. “At least tell me what you want to do tomorrow.”

“Well, I… I want to take photos of the Washington Monument, in the sunset… with you…”

“That sounds fantastic.” Sooyoung tapped Jungeun’s cheek lightly. “Now undress before you fall asleep.”

While Jungeun changed into her pyjamas, Sooyoung continued writing to Jinsoul, telling her in advance the towns and addresses they’d be going to.  _ I hope you’ll write back often. And don’t get too lonely without me,  _ was how Sooyoung ended the letter, wondering if it was enough.

“I’m going to bed now.” Jungeun fell almost face-first onto her bed. “...Goodnight.”

“I’ll see you in the morning, then.”

Hardly a minute had passed before Jungeun’s breathing slowed and she was asleep. Sooyoung shook her head. She was going to have to keep Jungeun’s habits in mind - to follow Jungeun’s rhythm. 

And two weeks was surely not enough, but then, Sooyoung didn’t want it to be only two weeks that she spent with Jungeun. She wanted enough photos to fill an album, to put up around the house and to display on the walls of her own bedroom. The hotel was a space filled with the two of them and Sooyoung didn’t want it to end the moment they arrived back at New York.

How did one go about this? Jungeun was young, but surely she knew, or at least had caught sight of women in slacks at bars, and had seen the newspaper headlines.

Jungeun’s breathing lapped at Sooyoung’s mind like waves eroding a shore and Sooyoung felt a fog envelop her brain. There was no way to think around this girl. There was no logic, no reason, only fascination and sparks at the end of Sooyoung’s fingertips whenever they touched. Sooyoung undressed and turned off the lamp.

In the darkness, Sooyoung wished that she could write down everything she could not comprehend, most of all the static in her head that took over when Jungeun was in the same room as her.

The next morning brought a fully-dressed Jugeun and a well-made omelette.

“You were serious about waking up so early…” Sooyoung rubbed at her eyes. 

“I thought that was clear.”

“I know - I just didn’t expect - they do breakfast at this time?”

Jungeun pushed the plate towards her. “Evidently.”

Still clad in the pink nightgown Jinsoul had given her, Sooyoung tried a bite of the food. All the while Jungeun watched her and Sooyoung felt herself warm up, slowly, under her unwavering gaze. 

“Is there something on my face?” She turned to Jungeun, who immediately lowered her eyes.

“No, I just thought: what you’re wearing, it’s very pretty.” Jungeun said quietly.

“Thank you, darling.”

“Will you wear it for the whole fortnight?”

“I’m sure I will. Except for the laundry days, of course.”

“What will you do then?”

Sooyoung swallowed. “I’m sure it’ll be warm enough indoors to sleep without pyjamas.”

Junguen always blushed so unreservedly, and making her cheeks turn pink was almost effortless, but Sooyoung wondered if she’d react that way if it wasn’t her speaking. 

And then - Jungeun tilted her head as if contemplating something, and Sooyoung stopped breathing for a second as Jungeun’s eyes travelled to Sooyoung’s collarbone, and then lower, the flush never fading from her face.

“I think it would be rather cold.” Junguen concluded.

“Perhaps you’re right.” Sooyoung sighed. “How about we take a look at some clothes this afternoon?”

“I’d like that.”

They were in no hurry to get going with the day, and Sooyoung spent a good half an hour picking out matching scarves for herself and Jungeun from the ones she’d taken with her. 

The day passed in a daze, with familiar streets and familiar buildings, and yet this time there was a sense of intimacy that Sooyoung hadn’t felt before. It grew from the place where their arms touched, where warmth seeped through cloth. Washington DC seemed new to her, once again, with Jungeun giving voices to the museums and galleries, the trees lining the sidewalks.

In winter, the sun set so early: and that was how Sooyoung was able to see the most beautiful sight in her life, hyperboles be damned - the colour of evening mixing in with the brown of Jungeun’s eyes. They had just finished lunch, and Jungeun had tied her hair at the base of her neck, and Sooyoung was fixated on those strands that clung to the place where her neck met her shoulder.

And Jungeun, she was radiant. 

There were no words that Sooyoung could find to describe the feeling but it held her immobile and reverent; there was something that ached in her chest but she could not bring herself to identify it. Jungeun was melting into the gold of the setting sun, and Sooyoung wanted to follow her, to take her hand and to never let go.

It was good that Jungeun took pictures of the monument, because Sooyoung couldn’t even spare a glance for it.

Just before dinner they made a trip downtown to shop for clothes, but in reality they were more looking at the restaurants that lined the streets. They chose an Italian one that promised gelato even in winter, and Sooyoung found out about Jungeun’s sweet tooth. 

“You should have told me sooner - I would’ve bought so many pastries for you, back in New York.”

“I suppose you did say you would treat me to some macarons.”

Sooyoung rested her chin on her hand. “We’ll have plenty of opportunities, I’m sure.”

The meal was mediocre but sitting across from Jungeun in a quiet booth with candle-light flickering in Jungeun’s eyes meant that Sooyoung did not notice. When Jungeun left for the bathroom, Sooyoung ordered a few cookies to take back to their hotel room, and laughed at the delight on Jungeun’s face.

Arriving back to the hotel and to their two beds at 8 o’clock felt like stepping foot into their own world. Sooyoung only needed to worry about coffee for the drive tomorrow, and Jungeun was with her, and she was content simply lying on her bed and watching Jungeun fiddle with her camera.

“Do you think you need more film?”

“I think I’ve brought enough.” Jungeun held her tongue between her teeth. “I mustn't get this wet.”

Sooyoung smiled, remembering the pond. “We wouldn’t want that to happen.”

“Where are we going tomorrow?”

“West.”

“How far?”

“How far are you willing to go?”

Jungeun glanced at her but her eyes lingered, like always. “As long as we can be back in two weeks.”

“Well, then - you wouldn’t mind if I surprised you?”

“I wouldn’t, no.”

“You’re a strange one, Jungeun.”

“How so?”

“Not many people would come out on a trip with someone they had only known for weeks -”

“Not many people would ask.”

Tilting her head forwards in a chuckle, Sooyoung smiled wider. “That’s a point.”

“Why did you ask me, anyways?” This time Jungeun was looking earnestly at her.

“You were the first person who came to mind.”

Jungeun’s gaze softened. “Why?”

“I don’t know how to answer you, Jungen. What is it about you?” Sooyoung’s eyes dropped to Jungeun’s lips. “You seem to notice every little detail, and I like that.”

“You confuse me, too.”

“In what way?”

Jungeun tossed the camera into its case and moved closer to Sooyoung, who tensed with every step Jungeun took. Her heart danced in her ribcage. Sooyoung let Jungeun approach like a rabbit watching a fox walk towards it, the hairs at the back of her neck rising.

Jungeun took a breath. “I can never quite figure out what perfume it is you are wearing.”

“Oh -” Sooyoung felt her lungs drain of air. “I don’t use perfume.”

“Then what is it?” Jungeun said, almost to herself.

“Most likely the hotel’s soap. If you like it so much, you should take a long bath.”

“Right. Yes, I might do that.”

It seemed that they were both dodging around a question that they both knew the answer to. Sooyoung put her head in her hands as she heard the sound of rushing water in the bathroom, and wondered just how long she could keep this up.

Getting into bed that night was easy but stopping herself from daydreaming in the dark was hard. Mirages. This was all like a mirage, and Jungeun, she was like those clouds that turned orange under the setting sun just for a second before disappearing again.

Sooyoung would fall asleep and Jungeun would be a glorious nightmare that she’d never want to wake up from - but she did, the next morning, and the fog cleared, and somehow Jungeun still remained.


	6. "Kiss of Fire"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what???
> 
> Black Lives Matter!!! Black Trans Lives Matter!!!
> 
> Chapter contents: roadtrip in winter, pine trees and pining, "oh my god there was only one bed", and hyewon cameo. 
> 
> Enjoy! Hope this brightens up your June because we all hella need it. Loona the Tam 2 is the only thing that keeps my faith in humanity from drowning. I hope yall stay safe.

“It seems that this is all they’re playing.” Jungeun said, fiddling with the radio. 

“I don’t mind it.”

“Okay.” 

They were passing through Kentucky, grey, but strangely serene. It had been three days since they’d left Washington, and although Sooyoung had shaken off the feeling that she was being watched from New York, it wasn’t any easier with Jungeun.

All the things they did together, all the meals they shared together - there were little hints here and there that Jungeun felt something for her. But Sooyoung had never been sure of herself. She’d never been good at guessing. And Sooyoung liked the way Jungeun blushed, she liked the listless expression she wore as she stared out the car window, and she liked the light in her eyes whenever they met gazes.

Sooyoung kept her eyes on the road, and wondered when was the last time she had been in love.

“Have you ever been in love, Jungeun?”

And there it was again - the faintest flicker in her brown eyes as she turned to look at Sooyoung. “I don’t know. I’ve never felt something that I could describe as - love, really. Have you?”

“Perhaps. I don’t remember.”

“I didn’t think you could forget about love.”

“I think that once you fall out of love, you tend to want to forget it.”

Jungeun tapped fingers along the leather of the car seat. “That’s rather bleak.”

“Try being in love, honey.” 

“What is it supposed to feel like?” 

“Like autumn.” Sooyoung sighed. “Well, that’s for me. Everyone feels something different. What would it be for you?”

“Again… I don’t know. Of course everyone’s read things, but I couldn’t imagine myself like that.”

“No boy ever caught your eye?”

“Not really.”

“I’m sure you’ve caught plenty of theirs.”

Jungeun smiled. “Maybe.”

“I never thought you’d like being flattered like this.”

“You’re the first person who’s done it.”

“Well, then, I’m honoured.” Sooyoung glanced at her watch. “Say, how about we get some lunch soon?”

They stopped by a roadside diner and settled in a booth, the seats sticky and the lights flickering. Never in a thousand years did Sooyoung imagine she’d be in this position, in rural Kentucky, having a meal with a girl who knew too little about herself and yet knew for certain she wanted to follow Sooyoung out here.

It made Sooyoung like the weight on her shoulders had been replaced, with promises of summer and secrets held at arm's lengths. And it didn’t matter that the skies were grey because hadn’t they been that way when she met Jungeun?

“I think this food is going to put me in hospital.” Jungeun whispered across the table.

Sooyoung coughed as she took a sip from the lemonade Jungeun had chosen for her. “Me too.”

“Why did they put so much oil in?”

“To replace the salt? I’m not sure.”

“Even I could do better.” Jungeun put her hand over her mouth.

“Let’s get something in the shop next door then, for tonight.”

Jungeun’s eyes widened. “I didn’t mean I could do it well.”

“After this,” Sooyoung raised her eyebrows. “I think anything would taste good.” 

Tipping the waiter for at least trying to make their time better despite the food, they picked up some things at the grocers next door. Sooyoung threw the bags in the trunk while Jungeun got into the car - and Sooyoung liked how natural this felt, and how easily they could make it into a routine, going out shopping together to cook something at home and falling asleep in the same room.

“I wish it would stay lighter.” Jungeun said, looking out at the passing fields.

“Me too. We’ll go somewhere in summer, soon, and it’ll be brighter.”

“Europe?”

“Anywhere you want.” Sooyoung smiled. “I feel as if we could go anywhere.”

“What got you cheered up? It surely wasn’t that food.”

“Am I in a good mood?”

“I think so. I feel so.”

Sooyoung’s fingers drummed a tune on the steering wheel. “This trip - it feels less like a dream now, I suppose. It has me thinking of what we could do, in the future.”

“It still feels like a dream for me, but I don’t mind.”

“You’re peculiar.” Sooyoung shook her head. “Well, when summer comes, here's what we will do: we will go fruit picking, and we’ll eat twice as much as we pick.”

Jungeun’s eyes were bright. “That sounds exactly like the kind of thing you would think of.”

“Are you in agreement, my dear accomplice?”

“Always.”

The motel they picked had a shared kitchen, empty, and smelling of stale bread. That night they made risotto - or made a valiant attempt at it, adding so much cheese to the point where they might as well have put cooked rice in fondue instead. 

Still, it was the best fun Sooyoung had in her life, the two hours they spent watching the pan simmer with arms crossed and eyebrows knitted.

“Do you think it’ll turn out okay?” Jungeun had tilted her head.

“We added salt, at least.” 

Tasting it was like diving into a vat of half-fermented milk - but it was made vastly better by the expression on Jungeun’s face, the bridge of her nose creasing and her eyes shut tight.

“It was a good effort, I think.”

“I agree.” Jungeun ate another spoonful. “I might get used to this, if I’m not careful.”

“Next time you come to my house - we should do this better.”

“I don’t think either you or I will be better at cooking by then.”

“True. But my housekeeper can make up for that.”

“She’s a saint.”

Sooyoung did get used to it, to her surprise: by the last mouthful she was almost missing how the risotto tasted like eating textured brie. 

However, her digestive system did not seem to agree quite as much. On the way up to their room, she felt vaguely nauseous, and she could hear the growling even as she turned on the tap to wash. 

“My stomach may be loud tonight.” Sooyoung said to Jungeun as they switched on the lamps near bedtime.

“That’s alright.”

“You’ll be asleep even in a thunderstorm, Jungeun.”

“It’s a curated skill.” Jungeun laid on her back on her bed, a small smile adorning flushed cheeks. 

“I’m determined on making you into a night owl by the end of this trip.”

“And how would you…” Jungeun yawned. “...go about doing that?”

Sooyoung yawned too and Jungeun’s smile grew wider, and Sooyoung felt recklessness spread in the place below her ribcage. “I’ll think of something, I’m sure.”

“Yes, no doubt -” Jungeun stopped mid-sentence as Sooyoung fell onto the bed. 

“I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.” Sooyoung rolled onto her stomach and looked at Jungeun, her eyelashes glittering in the half-darkness of the room, and wanted to touch her hands to Jungeun’s cheeks.

“...Is that supposed to keep me up?”

“Perhaps.” Sooyoung stared at Jungeun.

Jungeun made a show of yawning again, and laid her head on the pillow, only inches away from Sooyoung. The impulse of wanting to jump across that void between them grew stronger the longer Jungeun held her gaze sleepily, like the first time a cat decided to sleep next to you.

If Sooyoung wasn’t careful, she was going to stop being afraid of the consequences. “Jungeun,” she said, and watched how her eyelashes moved under Sooyoung’s breath.

“Yes?” Jungeun replied.

“I want to do so many things with you.” Sooyoung whispered. “Even after we go back to New York.”

“...me too. After New Years…” 

“There will be so many places to go.”

“Where are we going tomorrow?”

Jungeun had closed her eyes and her voice was sinking into the mattress of the bed. Sooyoung felt Jungeun’s breathing as if their chests were almost touching, the rise and fall following the beat of her own heart. “You can decide.”

If Sooyoung wasn’t careful, she would have fallen asleep too, right there by Jungeun’s side. Instead she pulled herself away and pulled the covers over Jungeun; failing to resist, she kissed Jungeun on the forehead, not caring if she left a lipstick mark.

Sooyoung sat down at the desk, and switched on the lamp. There was still time to read Jinsoul’s letter.

In it, she detailed how the court had been surprised but lenient enough to not inquire into the matter, although of course Yerim’s uncle pursued it. There were no addresses that they knew of -  _ an impromptu, celebratory trip _ , Jinsoul had convinced them, and there was no way they would be staying at one place long enough for sending and receiving letters. 

When that was all said and done, there was a small paragraph at the bottom that wished Sooyoung a good time, and told her to take care of Jungeun. It was short and it made Sooyoung regret for the first time since she had left, because Jinsoul was still too much of the same person that she had turned away.

_ Maybe I should do something about this loneliness _ , Jinsoul wrote,  _ but without you I can’t think of anything _ . 

There was a pen on the desk and paper too but Sooyoung didn’t have any words. How could she make her own happiness intersect with Jinsoul’s? For so long they’d been next to each other or at least both alone - but here, now, Sooyoung was in a room with a girl that made her wish too many things to count, and she could not be with Jinsoul anymore.

“Damn.” Sooyoung shut the lamp and stayed still in the darkness, envisioning what she’d write and the expression on Jinsoul’s face when she opened Sooyoung’s letter. 

Jungeun turned in her sleep, and Sooyoung felt the vision slip. 

Was there any use denying herself any longer? Her heart gnawed at her mind and she knew what would appease it - she had always known. It had begun the day she stepped foot in that elevator and thought to herself that she needed a reward at the end of the ride, and there Jungeun was. And there seemed to only be one end in sight.

How easy it would be to take Jungeun’s face in her hands and move closer, Sooyoung thought, wondering why exactly it was so damn hard. The way the world worked meant that what Sooyoung wanted could never be possible - but it wasn’t wholly impossible either. And yet - if somehow she had misinterpreted - if somehow Jungeun recoiled from her - she didn’t want to think of that.

Her hand fumbled to turn the lamp back on, and she heard a loose screw detach and fall down the back of the desk. 

Sooyoung changed into her pyjamas and felt the urge to go somewhere entirely new - she thought of the moon, and how the earth would look from it, and how small the two of them would be. 

The next morning, Jungeun was again awake before she was. “Have you always been such an early riser?”

“You said you didn’t mind.”

“I’m curious -” Sooyoung stretched. “Have you always been so unusual?”

“Was that what you wanted to ask the first time?”

“You seem to know already, Jungeun.” 

Jungeun lowered her eyes. “I’m sure of things, only when it comes to you.”

“You’re too sweet.” Sooyoung’s heart was pounding.

“Is that not a good thing?”

“Well, I’m afraid that I make you feel as if you have to be polite around me.”

“I’m worried that I’m more awkward than anything.”

“How so?”

“For one, I don’t know how to wear dresses.” 

“And perhaps cooking isn’t your forte.” Sooyoung raised her eyebrows. “Come to think of it - you’re - well, not the epitome of grace -”

Jungeun began to glare at Sooyoung. “I’m reconsidering my friendship to you.”

Sooyoung was also reconsidering it, but in the opposite way Jungeun was thinking of. “My friendship comes with benefits you haven’t experienced yet.”

“Such as?” Jungeun moved from her bed to Sooyoung’s. 

“You don’t sound like you need convincing to stay with me.” Sooyoung smiled as Jungeun flushed, and leaned her head on Jungeun’s shoulder. “Well, this is one of the benefits.”

“What’s good about this?”

“You waking up so early must mean you’re always cold - and I’m willing to offer myself.”

“If you think that’s how it works, I won’t stop you.”

Being so close meant that Sooyoung could feel Jungeun’s voice in her bones. “So you would let anyone do this?”

“...no.” Jungeun cleared her throat. “But if we stay like this any longer, we’ll be late for breakfast.”

They arrived for the last batch of hot coffee being served. There was still toast, and cut apples, and a few guests scattered about on the glass-topped tables. 

“I’ll go to check out of our room - save something for me, will you?” Sooyoung said.

“Alright.” Jungeun moved towards the bread basket.

The clerk at the front desk was sorry to see them go - surely they needed more time to see Kentucky? Sooyoung shook her head and explained she didn’t care about the places, only who she was with. Well, they were hoping to see Utah, and pass through Kansas along the way, if all went to plan.

“I thought you didn’t have any plans?” The clerk asked, hanging up their key.

“We’re driving west. She’s never been outside of New York state - I want to show her what’s out there, the mountains, the plains.”

“Just the two of you?”

“Why not? It’s a free country.”

“No, I meant - that sounds rather romantic.” 

Sooyoung’s eyes crinkled. “Does it, now?”

“Well, you two enjoy your trip. Take something from the breakfast with you, I don’t think we’ll be getting lots of guests this season.”

“Thank you.”

When she returned she could not see Jungeun at first, because she wasn’t sitting alone. One of the two women who sat in front of her was substantially taller, and the other was the opposite. In fact - Sooyoung frowned - they were as different as two people could be.

“Good morning?” She took a seat beside Jungeun, and looked expectantly into the taller’s eyes.

“Hello,” Jungeun said, and put a croissant in Sooyoung’s hand.

The two women exchanged a look.

Sooyoung blinked. “So - what are your names?”

“I’m Chaewon - and this is my very good friend, Hyejoo.”

“Well, a little more than fr-”

“You must be Sooyoung.” Chaewon smiled. “Jungeun told me you two were travelling west.”

“We are.” Sooyoung repeated what she had told the clerk.

“Kansas will be beautiful at this time of year. When we passed through it - it had just snowed. A white Christmas.”

“Where are you going now?”

“Oh, we’re going back to San Francisco.” Chaewon tilted her head towards Hyejoo. “We’re not much used to the cold here.”

Jungeun gave Sooyoung another croissant. “These are good.”

Hyejoo nodded. “They are, aren’t they?”

“If you want - you can take some with you. The clerk said they weren’t expecting masses of visitors at this time of year.”

“Speaking of which, why did you two come out here?” Chaewon took a sip from her tea. “Jungeun said you were from New York. That’s an awful long way from where you want to go.”

“That’s half of the reason. Sometimes a breath of fresh air is all you need.” 

It wasn’t the only thing Sooyoung needed, and Chaewon could see it too, her eyes sliding to Jungeun and back to Sooyoung. “Well, we can say the same.”

“Right - San Francisco isn’t close either.”

“San Francisco is home,” Hyejoo said, “but I don’t mind where we go, really.”

“Why?” Jungeun held her mug of coffee between her hands.

“Because I’m in good company.”

Chaewon’s eyebrows were raised but her cheeks were red, and it was strange to see these two women - Hyejoo in a dark, long coat and Chaewon with her bleached hair and flower-patterned dress in mid-winter at this hotel in Kentucky, free, just as Sooyoung and Jungeun were.

“I concur,” Sooyoung smiled. “That’s the other half of the reason.” 

She looked over at Jungeun; she had been busy with scraping the burnt parts off some toast but met Sooyoung’s gaze almost immediately. “Did you say something about me?”

“If you wanted to know, you should’ve been listening.”

“I was hungry!”

“You always are,” Sooyoung laughed. Across from them, Chaewon smiled and Hyejoo rolled her eyes. It had been obvious from the second that Sooyoung had sat down, but there was something familiar in the way Sooyoung looked at Jungeun when she was laughing, and the same intent in Jungeun letting her head fall onto Sooyoung’s shoulder.

It was the little things that gave them away; and it was like sparks near an unlit fire.

“Well, I think we’ll take up the offer of extra bread.” Chaewon stood up.

“It’s been nice talking to you.” Jungeun said, and Sooyoung nodded in agreement.

“Enjoy the rest of your time out here - take care.”

It was only when Hyejoo was inspecting the bread basket that Sooyoung noticed she was wearing slacks.

“They suit her, don’t they?” Jungeun said to herself.

“Some people would say that’s improper.”

“Trousers are much more convenient than a skirt. Don’t you think so?”

“Yes. But it’s hard to get them.”

“Do you not own a pair?” Jungeun raised her eyebrows.

“Well, I’ve never had the opportunity to buy one…”

“When we get back to New York - or along the way - we shall get you one.”

“Oh? And who’ll be paying for it?”

“I can take some more photos for you, if you would like that, Miss Ha.”

“I would like that very much.”

Thus began the journey out of Kentucky, driving with their backs to the rising winter sun and finally some jazz on the radio. Before the end of the week they’d reach Kansas, and hopefully, things would have changed by the time they turned around for New York. For home.

In the plans Sooyoung had drawn up in the moments before she fell asleep there were no concrete locations or times or seasons. Outside, trees passed by in a blur, and the only solid thing in her view was Jungeun, her profile sharp against the morphing scenery. It wasn’t at all Sooyoung’s intention to fall in love.

But here they were, in silence, not exactly comfortable with each other but radiant regardless, each thinking about the future and what they saw in it. Sooyoung didn’t know how to put it into words, and perhaps, even with all the time in the world, she wouldn’t be able to manage it.

On the border between Missouri and Kentucky they had their lunch - rather late in the day, but it didn’t matter; nothing much mattered, if this was how she could spend her days. Starlings flocked to the tree they stopped under to eat their stale hotel bread, and Jungeun raised her camera to capture their iridescence. Sooyoung gave half of her lunch to keep them there. Sooyoung might be sentimental but she wasn’t a romantic yet: still, she wanted to keep Jungeun next to her, forever.

“You love taking pictures, don’t you?” Sooyoung said softly, watching Jungeun’s hair move in the wind. 

Jungeun stayed silent, and then she turned, and snapped a photo of Sooyoung sitting on the hood of the car. “Yes, I do.”

“Hey!”

With Sooyoung’s shout, the starlings fluttered away. The sight of Jungeun against a backdrop of a shimmering flurry of wings made Sooyoung want to rationalise the irrational, because reaching up to Jungeun would be so easy and yet Sooyoung could not move past the pounding of her pulse in her eardrums.

“...I should’ve taken that.” Jungeun turned her eyes skyward. “They were very pretty.”

Sooyoung stood up and dusted herself down, watching leaves and pieces of her self-restraint fall to the ground. “Not as pretty as you.”

“There you go again.”

“There I go telling the truth again.” Sooyoung sighed. “Let’s go.”

Before Jungeun opened the door to her seat, Sooyoung stopped her. Her confusion quickly turned into reddened cheeks as Sooyoung tucked Jungeun’s hair behind her ear, letting her fingers linger over the indents of her bones a while too long.

“Thanks.” Jungeun said, her voice shaky.

“I’ve only just noticed this, but...are you ticklish?”

“Not at all.” Jungeun buckled herself in before Sooyoung could test that statement.

“Alright.” A smile floated to Sooyoung’s face as she made a vow to find out. 

They drove all through the afternoon and watched the sun set in front of them, folk songs on the radio station that Jungeun chose. She put the camera on the dashboard and leaned forward; her hair became loose again. 

“Did you bring any clips?”

“With you here, I don’t think I’ll need them.”

“I like your hair,” Sooyoung said, “but don’t you find it hard to see?”

“Not particularly.”

“Surely they didn’t let you wear it like that in school.”

“No, you’re right. Only on special occasions - which, to say, was Christmas - were we allowed to let it down.”

“What about Easter?”

“Only Christ was allowed to have loose hair that day.”

Sooyoung chuckled. “Is that heresy?”

“You can decide.”

“I just remembered - it’ll be New Year’s Eve tomorrow.” Sooyoung said, glancing over to see that Jungeun had been looking at her all this time.

“Ah, yes. You’re right.” 

“You don’t mind spending it in a motel off the side of the interstate, right?”

“Well, when you put it like that…”

They did end up finding spending the night at one such esteemed establishment, but it wasn’t wholly uneventful. 

Absurdly, Sooyoung felt more and more uneasy as the same song played on the radio, and looking in the wing mirror, seeing the same car over and over again. It wasn’t close enough to make out the number plate but Sooyoung had the shape of it burned into her retinas.

The feeling of being watched hadn’t left, after all. 

“Jungeun -” she began, and swallowed. “Are you - tired?”

“A little. Are you?”

“Quite a bit. Could we stop by this hotel, a few miles further?”

“Of course.” Jungeun said. “I’d offer to drive, but I still haven’t got my license yet.”

“Are you planning to?”

“Once I’ve got enough money - maybe.”

Sooyoung glanced in the rearview mirror. “New York isn’t the place to be learning.”

“You’re right. But you learnt there, didn’t you?”

“No; in fact, I learnt in DC.” Sooyoung tapped her finger on the steering wheel. “Jinsoul taught me.”

“That’s impressive.”

“Yes, she can be…” Sooyoung said absent-mindedly.

“What does she work as?” 

“A bank clerk, downtown. It pays rather well.”

“Right. Oh - here’s the exit.”

And the car turned with them into the motel parking lot. Sooyoung took her time getting out of her own car, opening her trunk slowly, pretending to look for something.

However, the people who had been following were not patient. 

“Hey - is that you? Jungeun?”

“Hyejoo?”

Sooyoung let a breath go as she heard voices she recognised. “Is that Hyejoo and Chaewon again?”

“Yes, I think so.”

A moment later they were sitting in the parlour of the motel, their suitcases stacked by a desk that had a sign saying “temporarily unavailable” thrown on top of it. The fact that it was only the two women made Sooyoung feel a relief that she could not pinpoint.

“This is a pleasing coincidence,” Chaewon said. “Although I’m sorry that it had to happen in a place like this.”

“It’ll do for one night, I think.”

“I hope so,” Hyejoo said.

“You did say you were going west, but I didn’t expect to meet you on the same route.”

“Well, I don’t think we did either.” Chaewon’s eyes crinkled. “Hyejoo spilt tomato sauce on our only map.”

“But I also was the one who remembered what their car looked like. Therefore, I am clear.”

“You have a point there, I must say.” Sooyoung chuckled when Chaewon hit Hyejoo in the shoulder. “We can give you our spare copy, tomorrow.”

“Oh - thank you so much. I presume you’re still going to Kansas?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, this may be our last chance to talk, then. We’re going South - Oklahoma, maybe.” 

“That’s nice.” Jungeun tilted her head, and addressed Hyejoo. “I must ask - where did you get your trousers from?”

“Why do you ask?” 

“I just -” Jungeun blinked at Hyejoo’s tone. “I want some like those.”

“...You do look like you need a pair.”

“What does that mean?” Jungeun raised her eyebrows.

Hyejoo pulled out a piece of card and began scribbling on it with a pen on the coffee table between them. “Go to this address, and you’ll see what I mean.”

“What’s special there?” Sooyoung asked.

“It’s where we first got to know each other,” Chaewon answered. “They also have incredible tailors.”

“I’ve never heard of this place.” Jungeun glanced at Sooyoung. “Iowa? Do we have the time?”

“Iowa is good - gorgeous, especially for New Years.”

The light behind the desk turned on, and there were sounds of movement. “Thank you. We’ll think about it tonight.”

“Turning in so early?” Hyejoo looked up at Sooyoung.

“Only because of this girl here.” 

Jungeun was like a clock - one that stopped working at ten past ten. “Who?”

“Alright - yes, get her to bed.” Chaewon waved at them. “Goodbye.”

“Have a safe trip.”

Up in the motel room, the smell of dampness was slightly better. Unfortunately, there was only one King-sized bed. 

Well, it depended on whose perspective you looked at it from. For all parties concerned it was beneficial - the hotel could save on costs, the cleaning would be minimal, and for Sooyoung, it was the opposite of a problem. 

She let Jungeun fall onto the right side of the bed, and it shouldn’t have felt as easy as it was, but Sooyoung laid herself next to Jungeun like she had always belonged there. Perhaps she was a romantic after all, but she was not delusional yet, and she knew that this was the only time that she could be so close. 

Sooyoung was going to have to do something about these feelings sooner or later, but that could wait until Iowa. For now, all that mattered was the sound of Jungeun’s breathing in the dark, and the way her heart wouldn’t sit still in her chest.


	7. Lovers

It wasn’t often that it got so bright during midwinter. Sooyoung woke up with the sun in her eyes; she’d forgotten to close the curtains last night, so eager she was to fall asleep. And the undeniable reason why she’d been so eager wasn’t even awake to realise.

How early was it for Sooyoung to be awake before Jungeun? Sooyoung sat up and sighed into the silence. Iowa. It seemed unavoidable.

New Years began just as Christmas did, with wishes unfulfilled but past the line between imagination and desire, and Sooyoung didn’t know which side she was now on.

“Good morning,” she said quietly to no-one in particular, waiting for movement from behind her. 

Jungeun let out a breathy groan and Sooyoung didn’t know whether to smile or to blush. Looking back, she saw Jungeun’s eyelashes flutter, and her lips part. Sooyoung wanted to keep her so very close.

“Hello?” Sooyoung repeated, and debated whether she should get up and wait for Jungeun - but Jungeun had turned to face her, with her knee touching Sooyoung’s leg, and that was a decision made in and of itself. 

If she reached out she would be able wrap her arms fully around Jungeun. It would be so simple. With Jungeun so close, the sun was blotted out, and perhaps that was some kind of grand metaphor, but didn’t think they needed it.

“Are you looking forward to Iowa?” Sooyoung asked, running a hand softly through Jungeun’s hair splayed out on the pillow.

“Are you?” Jungeun whispered, stretching.

“I think it’ll be interesting, if my impressions of Hyejoo and Chaewon weren’t wrong.”

“You do?”

“At least, I hope so.”

“You hope so?”

“... are you teasing me?”

Jungeun rolled over with a smile spreading across her face. “I’m just enjoying your company, that’s all.”

“That’s all?”

“I’m also enjoying how warm you are.”

“We’re feeling whimsical today, aren’t we?” Sooyoung sighed and kept her eyes on Jungeun’s smile. “I’m glad you’re enjoying this.”

“It feels good. Better than anything I’ve ever done.”

“Surely you’re not talking about sleeping on this mattress?”

“Maybe not the bed, but… well…”

Turning on to her back, Sooyoung waited for Jungeun’s reply. “Yes?”

“I do like you.”

Jungeun was lying on her back too and Sooyoung could not catch the expression on her face as she said that. Sooyoung could suddenly feel her pulse in the tips of her fingers.

There was no other response to be given other than “I like you, too.”

“We seem to be on the same page.”

“Of one mind, yes.”

“Then tell me,” Jungeun turned back towards her. “What’s stopping us? We could go anywhere, together.”

“I won’t lie. I think about that all the time.”

“I think about you, all the time, all this time.”

“Ever since we met?”

“Maybe even from before we met.” The sunlight from the window gave Jungeun a sort of glow that Sooyoung had only seen described in romance novels. “Do you? Do you feel the same way?”

Overwhelmingly intense was the feeling that Sooyoung could not put into words, and she stared into Jungeun’s eyes, wondering just how much she could keep hidden from this girl’s consuming gaze. 

“Do you understand,” Sooyoung said, slowly. “What you are asking for?”

“What matters to me is if  _ you  _ do. I dream of things that I can’t understand, in places where my skin doesn’t feel like my own. I want to know what love feels like.”

“I know. I do, too.”

“Then promise me,” Jungeun’s voice was quiet. “Promise you’ll show me.”

Warm hands and wide eyes; Sooyoung nodded, choosing to believe in happy endings. Iowa. There was something there to be had - to be shared, for people like them. “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

“Iowa - that place Hyejoo talked about, are we going there today?”

“We can drive there by nightfall. Let’s talk on the way there.”

Taking Sooyoung’s hand, Jungeun pulled herself out of bed and closer to Sooyoung. Her eyes were clearer than ever, unexpectedly so, but then again it was already eight o’clock and Jungeun’s thoughts were likely a thousand times clearer than her own.

So there it was, all laid out on the table between the two of them like a fallen house of cards, flat, like Kansas. Uncovered, clean, easy. Sooyoung breathed in the scent of Jungeun’s hair and felt her skin go aflame where Jungeun had touched her. 

On the way to Iowa, the sky was constantly changing colours; the two of them talked of too many things to count but Sooyoung memorized every single word that spilled from Jungeun’s lips because for the first time she knew she would be able to keep them close. Those micro-serendipities that Sooyoung etched into her mind, because she knew that she did not have to forget them later. 

And yet there were gaps Sooyoung couldn’t fill, the times when Jungeun held her gaze, her foot trembling above the gas pedal an inch away from sending to hell the speed limit so she would be able to free her hands sooner. 

Jungeun spread the map over her legs as they snaked between farmland and reservoirs, grass turning greener as the sun set. It dipped below the horizon to the west, a sideways golden glare. Jungeun didn’t seem to notice as she was turned towards Sooyoung more often than not.

“Were you thinking of stopping at this hotel?”

“To be honest with you, I hadn’t been thinking of much at all.” 

“I’ll be the responsible one, then, and say we’re sleeping there tonight.”

“Cheeky.” Sooyoung took the car down an exit and watched the sun draw a slow arc behind them in the sky, until it shone back into her eyes after the turn. Thankfully it was only a few short minutes to the hotel Jungeun had outlined; when she looked at Jungeun again, all she could see were sunspots.

“You’re staring.”

“I’m waiting for my eyes to adjust back to normal. Let me stare.”

There was some shuffling, and then, from a place much closer and not so far from Sooyoung’s ear: “How about now?”

Sooyoung reached out and held Jungeun’s neck with her hands, just below her ears, and Sooyoung could feel the breath Jungeun took away from the space between them. A kiss on the cheek; and the blindness inverted and Sooyoung could see nothing but Jungeun.

Her thumbs wandered to Jungeun’s sideburns, little hairs that trembled as Jungeun did. It would be untruthful to say that Sooyoung wasn’t shaking too - but with her last concrete thought she asked Jungeun to wait, to wait just a little more.

And how quickly they took their things inside and shut the hotel door behind them: desired unclad and keening for a taste, Sooyoung let Jungeun fall onto the bed beneath them and this time the kiss was not on the cheek. 

Jungeun’s lips were scarred from how often she bit them. To be so lucky and have her imagination spill into reality - something so, so real, like the calluses on Jungeuns’ hands, the marks Jungeun laid into her skin with her nails. Even as Jungeun laid between her arms, Sooyoung realised that she would be eternally trapped in this feeling, and if this was temptation - if this was sin, then she would gladly give up heaven.

Just as Sooyoung’s hand fell to the buttons on Jungeun’ shirt, there was a noise of protest from Sooyoung’s stomach; they’d had their lunch too early that day.

And Jungeun’s laugh dissipated all Sooyoung’s leftover suspicions regarding love: “I’m very hungry, too.”

“Is food more important than this?”

“I wouldn’t say so under normal circumstances, but Sooyoung, we’ll be able to come back.”

Her name felt different when it came from those red lips. “I can never say no to you, can I?”

“Weren’t you the first one?”

“Let’s just make it quick.” Sooyoung took Jungeun’s hand, and never wanted to let go.

They found a decent meal at the restaurant attached to the hotel, but Sooyoung’s mind was simultaneously a thousand miles away and right there, opposite her, resting on the girl who had captured everything Sooyoung had to offer. If she weren’t here, Sooyoung might have been breathless with the distance stretching to New York from here, but ever since she’d met Jungeun - she had been breathless, every time, without fail.

How had she become so attached to Jungeun? The sounds of footsteps and plates flowed around their table, but whenever Jungeun spoke, it was the only thing Sooyoung could hear. Her voice fell from those lips Sooyoung could still remember on her own and - what they had between them was the unrefined product of a burning hot coal fire, and the lingering looks of the bystanders were the side effects they ignored.

Two women in a midwestern diner; they were nothing if not absurd, and it was queer, and it was perfect, a cloud, suspended over the plains.

It was strange to be led by her hand back to their room because it had been Sooyoung who did the holding before: belonging to Jungeun was Sooyoung, innocently, shamelessly. 

Without her noticing she had forgotten what caution felt like. Sooyoung had never done this before without a drink and it was still so early but Sooyoung knew by ten Jungeun would be asleep. Ever since she had laid Jungeun on her guest bed weeks ago she had dreamed of this - and the feeling of Jungeun’s lips against her neck was more intense than all that she had imagined.

There was negative space between them and they filled it with their touches, slow hands and quick breaths. Erratically, her fingers finally unbuttoned Jungeun’s shirt and she didn’t understand why Jungeun had covered her face in embarrassment.

“You’re beautiful.”

“...you say that every day.”

“And I mean it, every day.” 

Sooyoung kissed Jungeun, on the lips, then lower, softer; drawing out a side of Jungeun she had not seen, the hands on her shoulders gripping tighter with every move Sooyoung made. 

“This feels -”

Sooyoung paused “Are you alright?”

“I -”

“We can stop, just tell me.”

The noise Jungeun made filled Sooyoung’s head. “No, it feels - it feels right.”

“Should I -”

“Please, Sooyoung…”

That laid waste to whatever semblance of reserve Sooyoung still had; her hands pressed against places that drew more of the same noises from Jungeun, the ones that made Sooyoung so dizzy. Slowly she learnt where to touch to make Jungeun cling to her and gasp from the back of her throat - Sooyoung allowed Jungeun to take up the most important spaces in her mind.

In all lifetimes she could envision herself here, this moment in the middle of winter with her heart as warm as it had ever been. Jungeun threatened to make Sooyoung lose her mind - slowly and all at once. Her throat was dry but Jungeun was all that mattered.

Moments later and after so many searing marks had been made by Jungeun’s nails on Sooyoung’s skin, she knew Jungeun was close. Her voice trembled more than she herself did and Sooyoung - well, she curled her fingers the right way and there were no words to describe what came after.

“Oh, hell,” Jungeun gasped into Sooyoung’s shoulder.

“That’s the first time I’ve heard you curse.” Sooyoung kissed Jungeun’s neck. “I hoped it wasn’t that bad.”

“...you know what I mean, Sooyoung -”

Sooyoung moved her lips to Jungeun’s, feeling Jungeun’s hard breaths brush across her eyelashes. “Of course I do, I’m… happy. Too happy.”

“I don’t think someone could ever be too happy.” Jungeun wrapped her arms around Sooyoung. 

“And I think if it’s you saying it, I’d believe it.”

Turning Sooyoung onto her back, Jungeun gave her a very clumsy kiss that made Sooyoung’s chest tighten. “I love this. I didn’t know you could do this.”

“Aren’t you pleased to find out, then, that we could do this?”

“I’m glad that I found out here. With you,” Jungeun began taking off Sooyoung’s clothes and discarding them on the floor. “I’ve never felt like this before, like I want to understand everything - most of all, you.”

“You’re making me blush.”

“And I’m glad of that, too.”

Jungeun stopped talking then and it saved Sooyoung the effort of mustering a reply because her mind was thinking of nothing but Jungeun’s hands, her lips, red, and it was more than enough to unhinge her. 

In the backdrop of a room in the top floor of an unknown hotel Sooyoung forgot how she had been touched before, by passing men, by passing summer affections, by best friends; Jungeun seemed to erase all of it from her skin and etch on words, words that Sooyoung would not be able to make sense even in waking hours, words in a language only Jungeun spoke.

And this was not one of her waking hours because this felt like a dream, without exaggeration. It came from stories, it came from books read in the dead of night with the door locked. Sooyoung didn’t know that Jungeun’s proximity would be so intoxicating. 

Breathlessly, suffocating - Sooyoung held Jungeun close like a flower and in anticipation of spring, she let herself fall apart.

Had there been a choice? From the moment she met Jungeun she had known, in the back of her mind, that if she wanted to live properly she would have to know Jungeun like this, even just once. And once would not be enough, that she knew, because they were cyclical, they would make perfection into a pattern to be formed over and over again.

“You are everything I’ve read about,” Jungeun kissed Sooyoung’s forehead, after Sooyoung had regained her breath and a heartbeat that didn’t feel like she had just fallen off a cliff’s edge.

“I love you,” Sooyoung replied, and there was no more to be said.

“I love you, so much.”

“Are you sure of what love is now, Jungeun?” The taste of her name now was exquisite.

“Yes. But, just for the sake of argument - I think I’d need more convincing.”

“I’m sure I’d be happy to oblige,” Sooyoung moved closer and watched Jungeun’s eyes close. “It may be too late now, though.”

And on cue Jungeun yawned, pulling her head closer to her chest and stretching her arms. “...you know me well.”

“Because I love you.”

Jungeun’s ears were red. “I’m still rather not used to hearing that.”

“I love you,” Sooyoung repeated, close to her ear, and felt Jungeun’s shiver next to her own skin. “I love you. You’ll have all the time in the world to hear it.”

Drowsily, with her face flushed, Jungeun gave Sooyoung a kiss and let her put a hand on Jungeun’s cheek. “Can I wake you in the morning with a kiss now?”

“Absolutely. It’s what I’ve been contemplating for the past week, to be honest with you.”

“Me too…”

“I’m looking forward to the morning, then.”

“Goodnight, Sooyoung.”

Sooyoung had never felt so content to be tired. The room was translucent with the lamplight and Jungeun’s breathing, it filled her with the desire to never return to New York if they could have this here now. Jungeun was more important to define Sooyoung than the city had ever been.

When she awoke in the morning there was the fear that Sooyoung had dreamt the whole thing up, and there would always be that fear, but it was worth it because she would be able to see Jungeun every time. Opening her eyes to look straight into Jungeun’s made sense, it was something Sooyoung had thought about for a long time and now she didn’t need to think anymore.

“Hello there.”

Jungeun swept the hair away from Sooyoung’s eyes. “Good morning.”

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not too long. I didn’t want to dress without you.”

“We could stay like this all day and I would not care - there would be no one to care.”

“You have no idea how much that tempts me.”

“I’m glad it does,” Sooyoung kissed Jungeun. “I want to see you every morning and every time before I fall asleep.”

“What about those times in between?”

“If we stay here then I think that could work out perfectly.”

“I suppose we could lie in bed for another hour or so.”

Like so many times before, silence fell upon them, but this time it meant something - in the absence of words (which were all too distracting at times, like bees around a fallen apple) Sooyoung could hear the bedsheets ruffle as Jungeun stretched.

Underneath the covers their hands met, then their legs, until they were face to face again and Sooyoung once again had her hand touching Jungeun’s cheek. 

“It feels so good to be honest.”

“Were you not honest before?” Jungeun tentatively kissed Sooyoung’s palm, and that was enough to make Sooyoung lose her thoughts for a moment.

“I think… I was afraid, almost afraid of this - because I worried about other people.”

“I’ve only heard of women like us. No happy things, only in newspaper headlines. And they never even talked about it in the convent.”

“I was afraid of that too, but most of all,” Sooyoung breathed in, hard, and exhaled softly. “I didn’t know what you thought of me.”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Of course I do.”

“You were - and still are, beautiful. At first perhaps I thought I wanted to be like you, owning leather gloves and being in front of the counter instead of behind it.” 

The room was tilting like a ship, Sooyoung’s only point of reference Jungeun’s voice, hanging on by their entangled limbs alone; her words were innocently perforating Sooyoung’s heart. And the pursuit of happiness could end here for all Sooyoung cared. 

Jungeun’s hands were measured as they traversed all over Sooyoung’s body. “It dawned on me, one day, I wanted something other than that. You - I could not get you out of my head. And that meant something that I didn’t want to find out for some time.”

“When exactly was it that you realised?”

“When you called me. I didn’t care about anything else than your voice, and what it told me, and Jiwoo thought I was crazy.”

“I’m sorry to have called you like that.” It was the first time Sooyoung had properly apologized. “I wasn’t - I couldn’t stay in New York one minute longer.”

“But it was the fact that I was the first person you wanted to talk to, to leave with; I realised that this feeling might be alright.”

“I’ve told you that it would have been you, no matter how I thought about it. It was going to be you from the start.”

“Is that how love works?”

“It’s how love worked for us. Do you think this feeling is alright, now?”

“I think I still need confirmation.” Jungeun scratched lightly at Sooyoung’s waist. “What did you think of me?”

“I felt you were all I needed. I felt that - being with you was the correct thing, no matter what anyone told me, and I  _ wanted  _ it like nothing else I’d known in my life.”

“I like it when you’re honest, Sooyoung.”

“There’s so many things to be honest about now; this is just the beginning of it all.”

“I’m glad to be here,” Jungeun sat up slowly, like a bird waking up and ruffling its feathers. “But didn’t we have somewhere to be today?”

“Yes, this bed.”

“No - you know what I mean!” And Sooyoung would always know, because it seemed to be the only thing that mattered.

“Then let’s go and find something to eat, shall we?”

The two of them dressed and Sooyoung smiled at the way Jungeun blushed; it was the same way, every time, and Sooyoung loved how it looked like roses blooming across her cheeks. 

When you fell in love with someone it would always start off as a secret, and more often than not stay that way, something to be kept close to your chest and only let out during nights alone in your own bed. With this, however - they’d have to keep it between them, in the hotel rooms in every state they visited, confined but free to do whatever they pleased in the spaces they inhabited.

In the car it felt like an entirely new place, and the road was empty except for Jungeun’s voice and whatever she chose to play on the radio. Iowa was quiet - buildings stranded in the middle of a frozen plain.

The address Chaewon and Hyejoo had handed over to them was down a side-street; Sooyoung parked their car, and took Jungeun’s hand as they walked together, excusing the gesture to strangers on account of the winter. Even though Jungeun’s hand was smaller than her own she still placed it over Sooyoung’s, and to feel Jungeun’s fingers curl against hers was bliss.

“I forgot - do you think they’re open at this time of year?” Sooyoung shivered. “I don’t want to have come all this way for nothing.”

“We have to at least see what Hyejoo was talking about.”

“I suppose you’re right.” The door that they knocked on didn’t have a light on inside, and Sooyoung counted to thirty before movement was heard.

“Hello?” Jungeun called.

“Identify yourselves!” A woman’s voice replied.

“We can’t give our names - but the ones who pointed us here were called Chaewon and Hyejoo.”

Silence followed by whispers, and then Sooyoung saw something move away from the door viewer. “I hope they sent you with some belated Christmas gifts.”

“I must apologise, then.” Sooyoung raised her eyebrows. “I hope our presence is enough.”

“You talk as if we’re already friends,” The woman who opened the door had brown hair, cut short. “Come in before you two freeze on our doorstep.”

Another voice called from within the building. “That would take some explaining.”

“Thank you.” Jungeun shut the door.

“You’re welcome. You can sit down in that room, and explain why you’re here.”

“Let them take their time - I’m sure Chaewon had good sense with these two. And if not, Hyejoo would have never spoken to them about us anyways.” The other woman entered with a tray of teabags and hot water.

Sooyoung sat down and crossed her legs towards Jungeun. “They didn’t tell us about who lived here, just that we should get a good pair of trousers.”

Across from them, the two women exchange glances, and Sooyoung noted the photos they had atop their fireplace - of mountains, German cathedrals, and smiles that could only be brought by the sun in the height of summer. 

“That’s very kind of them,” the woman with short hair sighed. “Alright, yes, we do make trousers, and I’d say they’re not too bad.”

Jungeun put her hands around a warm mug. “What are your names, then?”

“I’m Haseul, and this is Kahei. And you?”

“Jungeun and Sooyoung. We came from New York on a trip across the country, and met Chaewon and Hyejoo along the way.”

“At this time of year?”

“This time of year is supposed to be spent with loved ones, isn’t it?” Sooyoung watched Haseul blink and Kahei’s eyes crinkle.

Jungeun cleared her throat. “Do you live and work here alone?”

“No, at least not for work. If it weren’t New Year’s we’d have helpers around.” 

Kahei gave a mug to Sooyoung, then began making coffee. “Chaewon and Hyejoo used to come and stay, until they left for California.”

“For the better, I think.” Haseul smiled.

“Well, you said that you were looking for a pair of trousers?” Kahei ran her eyes over Sooyoung and Jungeun. “Do you both need it?”

“No, just me.” Jungeun replied. “I like this tea.”

“Thank you,” Kahei tilted her head. “I’ll have to take your measurements, if you don’t mind.”

“Alright”

“You seem to have trusted us quickly.” Haseul raised her eyebrows. 

“That goes for you too,” Sooyoung replied.

“Well, while Kahei gets those trousers done, why don’t we get to know each other?”

Sooyoung looked to Jungeun, and sighed. “That would be good.”

“We’re more similar than you realise - I saw you notice that postcard from Oxford we have.”

“Oh yes - when did you go there?”

Kahei smiled and opened the door for Jungeun to follow her; and so Sooyoung and Haseul talked over the mementos on display in their sitting room, skylines of cities captured by an outdated camera, younger moments of the two people that lived in this house. 

All the while, Sooyoung thought of how lucky these two were - and how very fortunate she herself had been, because she could foresee her own house like this, covered in trinkets and places that meant nothing to a stranger but everything to who lived in that house, together.

And all the while, of course, she was thinking about Jungeun, as it had been from the start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My soul is shattered, just like my old laptop. New one can actually run Minecraft though.
> 
> Pride month boutta be over but the Fight Goes On - don't give up, but take breaks. A good podcast to listen to is Seeing White.
> 
> (did not proofread becus i sad)


End file.
